Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Monday, 10 January 2011

image for "Sarah Palin's Frozen Alaska" - Looking For Gold In All The 'Right' Places
"Shotgun" Sarah Palin's truck showing how many reindeer (11) she has shot since she was five-years-old.

WASILLA, Alaska - The finale of Sarah Palin's Frozen Alaska started off like all of the previous shows with the fantastic theme song "Follow Me There" which was written and performed by a band called Third Day.

The theme song really captures the flavorful essence of the beautiful Alaskan wilderness landscape with its majestic scenery.

Third Day was personally picked by Sarah Palin and her nine-year-old daughter Piper to provide the reality shows theme song.

The band has toured as the opening act with such artists as The Rolling Stones, Neil Young, Justin Bieber, and most recently Camel Carl & The Desert Rag Headz.

In the final episode of Sarah Palin's Frozen Alaska we see the Palin family in the front yard of their home Casa Moscow sitting around telling knock-knock jokes next to their Lawn Eskimo.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Lawn Eskimo's in Alaska are the equivalent of the Lawn Jockeys and Lawn Flamingos that people in America used to have in their front yards back in the 50s and 60s.]

Sarah tells the kids that they have three choices as to where they can go on the last show of their 8-part reality series.

The kids eyes light up with excitement and get as big as ping pong balls, especially Bristol's, but that was due mainly to her having eaten six Hostess Twinkies when she got off the plane from her new home in Maricopa, Arizona.

"Mama Grizzly" informs the kids that for their first choice they can all go up to Fairbanks and attend The Yearly After Christmas Reindeer De-Nutting Finals. The kids all yell out a collective "Yuckers!"

Their second choice is a trip to Anchorage for The First-of-The Year Snowman Making Championship Tournament and Salmon Fin Eating Contest. Again the kids all scream out a collective "Yuckers."

And finally the white wilderness woman whom the National Enquirer has nicknamed "The Loose Moose" tells them that they can go up to Nome and pan for gold. The kids jump up and start hooting and hollering and carrying on like Kanye West on crack, if in fact West the Pest did crack which he does not.

So they load up the RV and head out to strike it rich in Nome. The city of Nome was named after Beauregard Bartholomew Nome, a man who used to sell ice cube trays to the local Eskimos.

As soon as they arrived at Nome's Old Prospectors Looking For Gold Lodge all the Palin kids put on their swimsuits and jumped into Lake Moose Droppings. Well all except for Trig and Tripp since they're both too little and would probably have a tendency to pee in the water anyway.

Piper quickly found a bunch of little bitty gold nuggets. She put them in an old Viagra pill container and told her mom that she was going to sell her gold on eBay. "Snowflake" aka Sarah Palin giggled and told her that she knows a guy who works at Fort Knox and that she may be able to get her a much better deal for her gold.

After about eight hours of prospecting for gold the Palin family, or the Palinistas as Kate Gosselin calls them decided to go into town and sell their gold to a local Alaskan Gold Nugget Shop.

The shop manager Nanook Fafapoppatuck, 93, took their gold and weighed it. Willow, the 16-year-old daughter who has a mouth on her like a Montana lumberjack asked "Okay, so Mr. F. tell me how much money am I getting for my freakin gold huh?"

Her mom instantly told her that she did not appreciate her talking like a San Francisco Democrat and told her to apologize to Mr. Fafapumpernickel.

Piper giggled and told her mom that the guys name was Fafapoppatuck and not Fafapumpernickel. The "Ice Queen" turned as red as Sitting Bull's forehead and told Piper to please shut the eff up before she caused her to start acting like that looney tunes Pennsylvania dishwater blonde bitch Kate "The Ear Ache" Gosselin.

Mr. Fafapoppatuck informed the Palin's that the combined value of their gold nuggets came out to $17,327.13.

Saracuda's mouth dropped open and nearly hit her caribou teeth necklace. She got a tear in her eye and remarked to her kids, "Ya see kiddoes what doing a friggin hard days work will getcha? Just imagine $17,327.13 in one effen day mind you.

Gosh darnit, ya know, gee willakers, I may just say the hell with running in 2012 and we can spend all of our friggin free time prospecting for bitchin gold...now that's what I'm talkin' about y'all."

SIDENOTE: There are rumors circulating throughout Hollywood that Sarah Palin's Frozen Alaska may be nominated for an Emmy Award.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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