Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Tuesday, 11 January 2011

image for "The Bachelor": 17 Bachelorettes Get Roses - 3 Get Non-Roses!
Raichel Goodyear showing off a fine-looking pair of 'papayas' as Eva Longoria calls them.

LOS ANGELES - Week two on ABCs The Bachelor saw a lot of drama queening going on. It was also a week filled with insecurity, self-doubt, and one girl resigning herself to becoming an "Old Maid."

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Wow! Some of those girls are really something else. Time to cue the violin music.]

Bachelorette Ashley Hebert, who has calves that look like they could be on an NFL linebacker, but only smaller, not as hairy, and white seemed to take the lead right out of the starting gate. (Ah it is a horse race after all isn't).

She wore a white petticoat, ala the 50s but she for some reason, maybe she was rushed, forgot to put on her skirt.

Her white high heel shoes looked like they were purchased in the 'Dominatrix Section' of West Hollywood's Victoria's Secret.

Ashley who made it abundantly clear to Brad "The Cad" Womack, alias "The Bachelor" that she did not want him to call her "Ash" had a great time at a local carnival.

They rode the Ferris Wheel and ate some pink cotton candy. They rode the Tilt-A-Whirl and had some blue cotton candy. They rode the Thump-A-Thighs and had some yellow cotton candy. And then they were going to ride the Bump-A-Boobs, but didn't since Ashley threw up from eating so much damn friggin cotton candy.

Brad in some scenes actually resembles American Idol's Ryan Seacrest, but with a beard, muscles, and with a big ego the size of Kim Kardashian's ass.

Bachelorette Michelle Money of Utah, showed why the other "B's" (Bachelorettes not Bitches) have nicknamed her "The Western Whiner."

"The Money Mama" as her great grandmother Cashatoria Money calls her, spent the better part of her 'on air' time whining about the fact that she was not getting enough close ups, she was not getting enough water from the catering service people, and finally she complained to the shows host Chris Harrison that one of the cameramen, Pauly, was focusing much too much on the fact that her left tit is bigger than her right tit.

Harrison did inform Michelle that recent scientific research studies have shown conclusively that, that is the norm in two of the fifty states. Harrison refused to name the two states.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: As soon as I read that last sentence I picked up my cell phone and called up Señor Larry King. I told him about the scientific research studies and asked him which two states the study was referring to. Larry laughed, took a sip of his Lowenbrau Beer, and told me that the two states both begin with the letter "A" and replied, "Alabama ain't one of 'em." OKAY READERS, YOU HAVE FIFTEEN SECONDS TO FIGURE OUT THE NAMES OF THE TWO OTHER "A" STATES STARTING RIGHT...NOW! THE ANSWER CAN BE FOUND AT THE BOTTOM OF THIS ARTICLE.]

Bachelorette Raichel Goodyear explained to the Cad, I mean Brad why she had added an "i" to her first name. She blushed a little bit, ate a few Cheetos, and then confessed that it was in honor of the state of Indiana, which is the state where she lost her virgin*ty.

Emily Maynard found out that it was a great idea to have worn the mini-dress that was three sizes to small since as soon as she sat down "Wow Wow" Womack could not keep his eyes off her micro mini-skirted legs. Twice during the filming of this particular scene the director had to stop the cameras so that Brad could put his tongue back in his mouth.

And finally it was Rose Giving Out Time. Out of the 20 remaining gals, 17 ended up with roses and 3 ended up with the dreaded non-roses.

Non-rose recipients on week two included Melissa Schreiber, the Gwyneth Paltrow lookalike who actually thinks that Lind-say Lo-han is ve-ry, ve-ry pret-ty.

Melissa was not bitter but she did emphatically state that the only reason Brad kicked her off the show was because she was older than all of the other girls. She stressed she wasn't angry and that she was 'just sayin'.

Keltie Colleen was another one who failed to get a Rosa (rose). She looked at the camera and said that she feels that she is going to be an "Old Maid." She blamed not getting a rose on the fact that she snores like a submarine sailor, can't cook worth a frickin flip, and has a somewhat rather bad case of athlete's foot.

And the third señorita to go home with nothing in her hands but a little bit of sweat was Raichel Goodyear. The infamous "i" girl.

Goodyear the 'manscaper' who wore a black dress with the front top missing, thus exposing her tremendously gigantic puppies commented that she was convinced that Brad is gay.

She looked right into the camera, flashing her pups and asked, "Now you tell me America and Canada, how can a normal, red-blooded American male in his right mind possibly say goodbye to these two fabulously fantastic fun-as-hell funbags?"

In a related story. Brad Womack was asked to comment on Miss Goodyear's comment about him being gay since he did not think that her big un's (tits) were all that. Brad raised his eyebrows and remarked that there are probably dozens and dozens of guys in America who are not gay but who do not like gorgeously huge, sexy, sensuous knockers.



The answer to the two states beginning with the letter "A" that were mentioned in the scientific research study listed in the editor's note above are Alaska and Arizona.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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