Written by shea lo
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Saturday, 8 January 2011

image for Bollywood sizzles as stars walk the red carpet and half-Brit mirch Kat[rina] Kaif dethrones aging thandai Aishwarya Rai
I used to be a pin-up girl back when mumbai was bombay

Bollywoodtown, Mumbai: This city of 14 million had all the right amount of hot-mirch and sizzle as the 17th Screen Awards ceremony (Mumbai's equivalent of the Oscars) brought some 6-million Scoville unit garam-masala heat to an otherwise chilly night.

The riotously colorful ceremony was heady with the perfume, sights, sounds and seething jealousy that befits a too-good Bollywood outing. From the crazy-wild designer outfits on sculpted Venus-like bodies to the muscular throbbing Adonis-dude physiques, everything was a typical high intensity spontaneous choreography.

The overall motif was - well Bollywood. Out with the old and in with the new was the popular theme. First there was the Red Carpet tamasha - out-doing the paler Hollywood version. Outstanding fashions were modeled by Kat herself along with other notables

Then came the torrid song; dance; song-and-dance and dance-fitness sequences. This was followed by the obsequious salutations and sycophantic gestures of gratitude - in themselves performances worthy of awards. As usual Aging Miss India beauty queens warbled and jiggled in truly desi form.

The exciting climax - the awards presentation heralded the arrival of the new guard with half-Brit Kat (Katrina) Kaif winning the Most Popular Choice Actress Award along with male hero Shahrukh Khan.

Katrina was in perfect Bollywood form shedding the required baltis of crocodile tears as she thanked her mentors especially 'those that went before' her, in what was immediately taken by the Aishwarya Rai camp as a deliberate dig against the aging, no-longer hot actress whose only talent lately has been promoting her fairish skin and greenish eyes.

A too-good time was had by all including the head-wobbling street-urchins thronging the gates outside the theater. 10-year-old Babloo, first-class finger-whistler and his gang of shlum-daags were thrilled to bits that their pin-up girl had won. Celebrating with your reporter in a rousing foot-tapping Mumbai-street dance they chorused:

"Katrina Kaif - too-good, 300% hot-hot mirch. Aishwarya no-good, too much thandi-hawaa, cold breeze, isn't it"

"Haanh-haanh yes-yes, Arsewarrier - woh tho 200% buddi ban gaaye", said his shoe-shine pal and fellow runaway, slummie room-mate, 8-year-old Dabba - sad that his former idol had become just another old hag.

On the buff side of things in The Battle of the Khans, jolly old scoundrel Shahrukh Khan ["I'm simply too Khantastic"], beat out too-much tensun Salman Khan to set up another round of ongoing rivalry. Salman, in predictable fashion did his Indian Ozzy Osbourne set-destruction thing just to flex his 'roid muscles.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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