Written by Amethyst Ryder
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Saturday, 8 January 2011

image for Ghost of Tony Randall haunts Elton John
"Is that ghost still here? Bloody hell." Baby Zachary and his dads are haunted by the hyper-helpful ghost of Tony Randall.

Iconic musician Sir Elton John gets no rest of late. It's not because his infant son Zachary keeps him awake at night; Zachary is, by all accounts, a surprisingly well-tempered baby. Rather, the ghost of actor Tony Randall has taken it upon himself to offer parenting advice on an ongoing basis to the popular music legend.

"Elton needs me," said Randall's ghost in a statement issued to the press. "He needs the advice of a seasoned professional, and few men were more seasoned than I was when I became a new father."

"It's a bloody nuisance, is what it is," said Sir Elton. "David and I have been blessed with a son who won't let the sun go down without falling into a restful slumber, and instead of letting us get a little shut-eye, Tony Bleeding Randall is popping up at my bedside for a little heart-to-heart about child rearing issues I won't even be facing for another two or three years."

"I just want Elton to be prepared," said Randall. "I want him to experience the full joys of guiding a precious newborn into the circle of life."

"The only thing I'm experiencing, thanks to that damned ghost, is nodding off on the rare occasions when my son is awake," retorted Elton.

"It's certainly wreaking havoc on our love life," added spouse David Furnish.

"Can't even so much as snuggle without our friendly ghost popping up with another bright insight into how we should raise our son," said Elton. "Hopefully he'll take the hint soon enough and sod off, so we can do the same."

Asked how long he thought he would stay around to pass on all of his paternal wisdom to the celebrity couple, Randall replied, "Ideally, until little Zachary walks across the stage with mortarboard on head and diploma in hand."

"Just what I needed," muttered Sir Elton. "A 24-7 live-in mother-in-law who never sleeps."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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