Alexa Ray Joel no longer has her father's nose. Sadly, the daughter of classic rocker Billy Joel and former supermodel Christie Brinkley still looks like Sonic the Hedgehog, all because he plastic surgeon could risk the 24-30 hour surgery that would be necessary to remove all of her ugly.
What a horrible thing to write, but let me ask this: Why is it that we can make fun of any cast member of, say, Jersey Shore, but God forbid I mention that Alexa Ray Joel looks like a praying mantis? What's good for the goose...
"We were able to modify her nose, but her beauty deficiency is not a simple level 1, or 'Tori Spelling Class' defect," said Dr. Ryan Frank of the Steve Buscemi Fugliness Treatment Center. "Her's is at least a level 4, or 'Sandra Oh-Class', or even a level 5, 'Sandra Bernhard-class'. And even a belt sander won't wipe that kind of ugly away with one surgery.
Alexa suffers from Mariska Hargitay Syndrome, an autoimmune disorder that temporarily suppresses mitochondrial DNA in fetuses, allowing only the father's DNA to dictate things like facial features and talent, which doctors believe may have led to her 2009 suicide attempt.
"[It's] always bothered me a little bit," said Alexa, while signing autographs as 'Clint Howard' in front of Nobu. "I was self-conscious of pictures taken from the side."
"Actually, we shot her from a good distance away," said a paparazzo, who shielded his eyes as Ms. Joel walked past, lest he be turned into a pillar of salt. "I heard they took the shot for her CD from the International Space Station."
And, while dad was busy drunk-driving on Long Island, Alexa says mom was very supportive.
In fact, Joel says, "Nobody is more supportive of my physical appearance than [my mother]." The singer adds, "She tells me that she wishes she looked like me, that I'm so much more unique than her."
"I never said that! She is a f--king troll and a liar," said mom Christie Brinkley. "I can't (sob)... I can't look her in the eyes. Alexa, baby, your ugly makes Mommy so sad."
Alexa Ray's second CD, "There's Marla Hootch… What a hitter!" drops on March 17th.