Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Topics: Radio, Homeless, voice

Saturday, 8 January 2011

image for The Homeless Man: Ted "The Velvet Voice" Williams Knocks It Out Of The Park!
The traffic cone that Ted "The Homeless Man" Williams wore on his head many times when it was raining.

COLUMBUS, Ohio - Fifty-three-year-old Ted Williams did not buy a lottery ticket, but the man will certainly be collecting a ton of money.

A few days ago Ted "The Homeless Man" Williams was standing on the corner of a street in Columbus holding up a sign and accepting change and dollar bills from passing motorists.

One of these motorists happened to be Nixey Earl Fosterhauser, a sports reporter for The Columbus Confirmer Chronicle. He stopped and talked to Williams while the traffic light was red. He read Ted's sign and told him that he would give him a dollar if he would say the name of his newspaper.

Williams blared out in a DJ's voice, "Ladies and gentlemen be sure and get your copy of The Columbus Confirmer Chronicle at your local convenience store, Pizza Hut, or at Carmine's Pistol Repair Shop."

So now, because of his truly amazing unique voice Williams has already been signed to do the commercial voice overs for I Can't Believe Its Not Butter, Uncle Ben's Converted Rice, Vienna Sausages, Sara Lee Frozen Enchiladas, Jose Cuervo Strawberry Margarita Mix, Betty Crocker Muffin Stuffers, Aunt Jemina Flourless Pancake Mix, and Cousin Carlito's Chorizo Nuggets.

He has also been offered announcing jobs with the San Antonio Spurs, the Washington Redskins, the Boston Red Sox, the Detroit Red Wings, and the Manchester United Red Devils of England.

The producers of the reality show The Real Housewives of Intercourse, Pennsylvania have asked him to sing the shows opening theme song entitled, "We Love Intercourse For So Many Gosh Darn Reasons."

And King Sak Sin Fulashi, 89, of Libya wants to pick him up in his private jet and fly him to Tripoli so that he can sing the Beatles song "Michelle" in the background as the king proposes to his fiancee Michelle Wildmeister, a 22-year-old ex-Hooters girl from Miami Beach, Florida.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: This is a bit of information that no other publication has. Larry King just phoned me before we went to press and told me that since Steven Tyler, the lead singer for Aerosmith is tied up being a judge on American Idol the band wants Williams to become their lead singer.]

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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