WASHINGTON, D.C. - The FBI has issued a directive stating that one Gordon James Ramsay, age 44, and a native of Johnstone, Renfrewshire, Scotland, has just been entered into the U.S. Witness Protection Program.
Ramsay, who lists his profession as a chef, and three of his employees were apprehended by the notorious Costa Rican Banana Boat Drug Cartel and held on a banana plantation just outside of Banana Pudding City, Costa Rica.
The leader of the CRBBDC, who shall be referred to as Señor X, informed CNN's Anderson Cooper that they had captured Ramsay and three others who were on a make shift raft in the process of illegally capturing Costa Rican Scarlet Sardines which are then taken and sold to some of the finest restaurants in New Orleans, San Francisco, Anchorage, and Pocatello.
According to Wikileaks the sardines are reportedly held sacred by the citizens of Costa Rica and are protected by the Costa Rican Scarlet Sardine Protection Doctrine of 1903, with amendments in 1913, 1923, and 2003.
Ramsay told his capturers that he was a very famous man in Britain and that he starred in four top rated cooking shows. When asked for the names of the shows he replied, Hell's Kitchen, Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmare, The F Word, and Okay Who Da 'ell Burnt Me Bloody Bloomin Muffins?
The Cartelistas all shook their heads and replied that they had never heard of any of those shows.
"Do you come out on Dancing With The Stars?" One of the Cartelistas asked.
"Okay, how about America's Got Talent?"
"American Idol? So You Think You Can Dance? Two and A Half Men? The Real Housewives of Intercourse, Pennsylvania? Dude The Effen Weather Channel?"
"No, no, no, no, and no." Replied Ramsay.
At that point two of the Cartelistas picked up a five gallon can of gasoline and poured it all over the four Brits.
"What da bloody 'ell are ya doin?" Ramsay screamed.
He was told to shut up or else he would be torched and turned into a charcoal briquette.
At that point Gordon Ramsay started crying like Glenn Beck, John Boehner, and Brett Favre each time he announces that he is retiring from football.
Señor X then made a phone call to his good friend Salvatore Goombalini in Brooklyn, New York. He explained the situation. Goombalini told him that he was going to talk to President Obama and that he would get back to him within two or three hours.
Goombalini called back an hour later. He told Señor X to give the four Britishers a bath, some clean clothes, and put them on a plane to Washington D.C.
Señor X did not ask any questions. He did exactly as he had been instructed by Salvatore Goombalini to do.
SIDENOTE: Gordon Ramsay owes his well-being and that of his three employees to Salvatore Goombalini who was able to persuade the president of the United States to bring the Englishmen to America. The three employees will be allowed to return to London and Gordon "The Lucky Dog" Ramsay will be placed in the U.S. Witness Protection Program.