CABO SAN LUCAS, Mexico - According to reports published in The Cabo San Lucas Morning Olé News Taylor Lautner and Lady Gaga spent a sunny afternoon on the sandy beach engaging in a friendly, erotic game of 'Tonsil Hockey.'
Lautner was dressed in a red, white, and blue pair of swim trunks and Lady G wore a very skimpy lavender bikini swimsuit which when wet showed a little bit more of her groin region than Lady G probably wanted to exhibit.
One local resident of Cabo San Lucas, who was identified as Jimmy Del Sombrero, 19, and an unemployed piñata salesman, called up his brother Joaquin and told him that he had just seen Taylor Lautner and Lady Gagagita as she is known in Mexico, laying out on the beach sunning themselves.
Del Sombrero remarked, "Hey Joaquin and ju wheel not beeleaf eat but La Gagagita chee has a beeg bulch in her crotcharina like sumteen dat a vato (dude) would haff."
Del Sombrero managed to strike up a conversation with Lautner who told him that he had just finished filming a motion picture with Robert Pattinson and Keira Knightley titled, The Pat Down Dudes of LAX.
Lautner told Jimmy to be sure and go see it when it comes out on Valentine's Day. Jimmy promised him that he would find a girlfriend by then and take her to the local Enchilada Movie House to see the film.
Taylor was so glad to hear Jimmy say that, that he gave him $10 to pay for the sodas and popcorn.
Del Sombrero then asked him about having dated Miley Cyrus back in the summer. Lautner smiled and winked at him. He said that he and Miley the Lap Dance Queen spent a fantastic weekend up in Detroit where they stayed at the $817 a night Hotel Bumper-To-Bumper.
Taylor then gave Jimmy an autographed 8 by 10 glossy and a gift certificate good for three Corona Light Beers at The Pancho Villa Resort Villa Bar where he and Lady Gaga were staying.
Before he left Jimmy asked Taylor who was better in bed Miley or Lady Gaga. Taylor grinned and said that Miley was good as far as the 'wow factor' went but that Lady Gaga was good as far as the 'hot effen tamale factor' went.
Jimmy giggled. He gave Lautner a fist bump and said "Okey dokey, hokey pokey, see ju later fa chizzle my pistol."
In a non-related story. Regis Philbin has denied the rumors that he is gay. He did admit that he was a big fan of the Village People, who were gay as hell.