Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Thursday, 6 January 2011

image for The Taylor Swift - Jake Gyllenhall Long-Distance Fairy Tale Relationship Has Finally Imploded
Taylor's pet cow "Milky Way" a Christmas gift from Dolly Parton. (Photo courtesy of Heidi Montag).

NASHVILLE - Taylor Swift sat in her $1.2 million touring bus painting her toenails when she was asked by her bass guitarist how things were going between her and her beau Jake "The Snake" Gyllenhall.

Taylor quickly corrected him by saying that Jake's nickname is not "The Snake" and that he must have him confused with either Taylor "The Snake" Lautner or Zac "The Snake" Efron.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Both Lautner and Efron are ex-boyfriends of the sweet little country singer from Wyomissing, Pennsylvania and the object of two of her songs.]

Swift remarked that even though she had fallen head-over-heels in love with Jake that there were just too many other little negative things that seemed to always get in the way of their long-distance relationship.

She explained her comment by saying that she was not with Jake during the Christmas holidays, nor the New Years holidays, nor even on National Crop Rotating Day, which was January 4, 2011.

T-Swizzle, as her close friends and family call her, said that she has been so down and depressed about not being able to see Jakey that she has not been able to eat her favorite snacks Hostess Twinkies, M&M's, or JalapeƱo Nachos for the past ten days.

When asked if the age difference had anything to do with the break up she smiled and nodded her head in the negative. Taylor is 21 and Jake is 30, but like Taylor pointed out, "I am a mature 21, so that puts me around 25, and Jake is an immature 30, so that puts him around 26. So as you can see there is really only one year difference between us."

Taylor was asked if now that her and Gyllenhall have split up if she plans on writing any songs about him. She grinned and added that coincidentally she had just finished writing one this morning. She grabbed her guitar and played a little bit of it.

The song is entitled, "Jake Was Our Love Like A Fake Wedding Cake And If It Was Then Take Your Butt And Go Jump In The Lake Cause I Hate You More Than I Hate That Fa Shizzle Ma Nizzle Punk Kanye The Pest."

Swift said that she tried to cut down the title a little bit but said that she figured that if she cut out even one word it would totally change the mood she was trying to capture and convey.

Meanwhile efforts to reach Jake for a comment were futile as he was reportedly drinking beers with some of his friends in a London pub and expressed that he did not want to make a comment because he was way too knackered (drunk) to make any real worthwhile sense.

In non-related news. Frankie Avalon, the king of the 60s beach movies, has just announced that he has been nominated for 'Best Actor' by the Motion Picture Academy for his role in his 75th beach movie, entitled, 'Beach Blanket Pat Down.'

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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