Twilight stars Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart have been helping The Police with their enquiries recently, writes Lettie S Beavanu, Popular Vampire Films & Police Affairs Correspondent.
It all came about as recently as recently while the vampishly vulnerable vein-puncturing pair of pallid voluptuaries were in Turkmenistan filming some extra bloodlusty love scenes for the much-anticipated next Twilight movie Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Pt. 1. Oh, yes, it really recently did, and this is how it recently happened.
In between shooting the red-blooded and biting scenes of passion, Robert and Kristen got to know Turkmen Record Magnate Magtamgulyguly Zgrygagy who owns a huge record store called Message in a Bottle on Uygygragzugay Street in Balkanabat, capital of the Balkan province of the exotic land.
Magtamgulyguly Zgrygagy is a huge fan of Twilight, and his daughter, Alkhygybrghyut, is particularly fond of Kristen's constipated chic, liking nothing better than to spend hours in the bathroom painting her face with Georgian Lead Face Whitewash and pretending to strain on the toilet. Once they all got to know one another, Kristen was delighted to have Alkhygybrghyut stay on the film set and use her very own mock-Byronic toilet facilities, which also pleased Magtamgulyguly, as it meant the rest of his family at home could get into their own bathroom for a change!
Robert also had many discussions with Magtamgulyguly, about subjects such as the shifting desert sand-mountains of Turkmenistan's Garagum Desert, and song-writing. Actually, when Robert started to sing the third song he has written, called "My Third Song", Magtamgulyguly quickly changed the subject.
Magtamgulyguly began to speak of his passion for British 20th Century comedian Arthur Askey and Antique Mirrors, and it was at the mention of the mirrors that Robert instantly forgot his disappointment about the song-writing snub he had just suffered at the hands of his new friend.
For he recalled a recent cellphone conversation with another of his friends, lead singer of famous skiffle band The Police String, who is also a pompous prig.
Robert remembered how String was simply obsessed with mirrors. String had often told him that he liked nothing better than looking in the mirror and enjoying his own yoga-honed nude body as he masturbated tantrically to his own music. And in this latest cellphone talk, String had been close to tears as he bemoaned the fact that he simply could not get enough mirrors in his life. Indeed, he had spent most of his spare time recently looking for more mirrors.
Robert instantly saw a way to help both his friends. In a flash it came to his keen Boy Vampire's blood-fuelled brain.
And so it came to pass that it happened that it was all arranged that skiffle band The Police should do a mini-tour of Turkmenistan, sponsored by Magtamgulyguly Zgrygagy's Message in a Bottle record store. It even transpired that Magtamgulyguly was a fan of the band, and hence the name of the store!
The mini-tour culminated in a very special open-air concert. For Magtamgulyguly invited String and his fellow skifflers Steven "The Copulator" Copeland (jugs and musical saw) and Anthony "Anne" Summers (washboard and kazoo) to his mansion house in the scrubland outside Balkanabat, there to play some of their seriously-hip skiffle in the grounds.
The Police were particularly looking forward to playing this special open-air show to be held at Magtamgulyguly's mansion house in the scrubland outside Balkanabat. It turns out that the boys were especially excited about this, since they have always loved country houses. More specifically, they have been simply obsessed with houses that boast a moat around, since the time they spent a night at Baddesley Clinton, Warwickshire, an elegant moated manor house in the UK land of England.
The gig went well. The lads played all their hits, including "My Old Man's A Dustman", "Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavour On The Bedpost Overnight", "Laughing Policeman", "Don't Laugh At Me, I'm A Laughing Policeman Laughing All The Way To The Bank" and "I'm A Pretentious Pretend Post-Punk Laughing Policeman Just Back From The Bank". But what really made the night for them was afterwards, when, after enjoying goblets of Turkmenistan sherbet and nibbling sheep's eyes, they were taken by Magtamgulyguly on a thrilling tour of the house and showed the rooms they were to stay in for the following week as his guest.
String was allowed to use Magtamgulyguly's antique mirror collection to do some very special tantric masturbation sessions with himself.
"Howay, man, it's the thrill of a lifetime, even for a special person like me", claimed String at the time (which was very recently). "It's transcendental, it is, being able to look in all these fantastic old mirrors and enjoy me own yoga-honed nude body as I masturbate to me own music, like."
Anthony "Anne" Summers said "I can't even have a shave. String's nicked all the mirrors."
Steven "The Copulator" Copeland said "What a wanker String is, man".
Serendipity is probably not a word in Robert Pattinson's lexicon**, but if it was in his lexicon, then perhaps he would use it at this juncture.*
The only pity was that Kristen Stewart and Magtamgulyguly's daughter, Alkhygybrghyut, couldn't join in all the fun of these happy moated-mansion coincidences, as they were still locked in Kristen's mobile mock-Byronic toilet. But at least they were happy being constipated and having a jolly good sulk.
So all was going reasonably well in the Twilight and Skiffle worlds.
- *"Juncture", also, is probably not a word in Robert Pattinson's lexicon
- **And as for "lexicon", we won't be sending any search parties in there looking for that one, either