LOS ANGELES - Miss Paula "The Ex-L.A. Lakers Girl" Abdul kicked off her new CBS dancing show with a dancing bang and complete with the obligatory British male announcer Sir Cyrus Reginald Nigel something or other.
The Lets Live To Dance But Without Stars, Idols, Ice Skaters, or A Whole Lot of Talent shows theme song is entitled, "Shake The Butt Your Mama Gave Ya" and is sung by none other than Paula Abdul, who is also the shows executive producer, head writer, makeup artist, hair stylist, and therapist to the shows losers.
Auditions for the show were held on the Left Coast (Los Angeles) and on the Right Coast (New York City). The Third Coast (Houston) was not represented because of time constraints (?).
The shows host is actually Andrew Ginsberg, who quickly pointed out that he is no relation to Myron Ginsberg, the gay, Jewish, hair stylist from Queens, New York.
One of the judges is one of the founding members of the sensuously erotic all-girl band the Pussycat Dolls Kimberly Wyatt. Paula confided on The View to Barbara Walters that Kimmy has bedroom eyes, bedroom hair, and a gorgeously sexy bedroom mouth.
The second judge is Travis Payne, who is noted for being the dancer who taught Michael Jackson how to do the moon walk, suggested that he wear only one glove, and insisted that he talk in a soft high pitched voice like his idol Diana Ross.
And the third judge is an ex-American Idol judge who got herself fired from AI...no not Kara DioGuardi or Ellen DeGeneres...the one and only Paula "The Munchkin" Abdul.
Each of the judges has a star button. They push the yellow button if they liked the dancer or dancers and the red button if they thought that the dancer or dancers basically, to use a word Bristol Palin used 37 times on Dancing With The Stars, sucked.
The first performer was Jalen, a 9-year-old boy who danced to the Kanye West song "Hey Yo, Yo, Yo, Ho, Ho, Ho."
The crowd loved little Jalen especially after his performance when he reached in his pants pocket and took out his pet frog Mr. Ribbit, who jumped out of his hand and had to be chased down by the cue card guy.
Jalen received three yellow stars and a $10 gift certificate to the McDonald's of his choice.
Next up was an elderly couple, 83-year-old Bev and 68-year-old Hap who pointed out to Paula who asked that Hap was not short for Happy but Haphazard.
The two danced their senior citizen butts off to the Miley Cyrus song "I Can't Be Tamed." They received three yellow stars and suddenly Bev fell to the floor and did 87 push ups, 63 sit ups, and 10 seconds of Kegel exercises.
Judge Travis, or Travy as he likes to be called, whispered to Paula that little old Bev must surely have the tightest elderly you-know-what in all of America.
Abdul smiled and replied, "Damn tighter than mine I'll bet."
After half a dozen unnotable dancers performed we saw Steve Fleshman, a flight attendant. Kimberly asked Steve if Fleshman was really his last name. He replied that it wasn't and that he had changed it 20 years ago from Fleshwoman.
Fleshy, as his 98-year-old grandmother Matilda Lockaletti calls him, performed to the classic song "Forever Your Girl" which was made popular by let me see...who was it?...oh yeah Paula "Miss Moneybags" Abdul.
After Steve had finished his song, Abdul ran up on stage and gave him a high five, a low five, a fist bump, a chest bump, a French kiss, and her phone number.
SIDENOTE: The show was originally going to be called Paula Abdul's Dance Party Featuring Paula Abdul As One Of The Judges but Abdul felt that people may have thought that she was a bit conceited, self-centered, and basically deep in love with herself.