Written by Harry Porter
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Monday, 15 August 2005

image for ‘I Can't Not Do Not Nothing' Admits Posh
Victoria's unread autobiography, originally titled 'Not Learning to Not Fly'.

Following her revelation that she has never read a book, Victoria Beckham has been forced to admit the reason hasn't been her busy schedule since the age of four, but the fact that she can't read.

"It's true," she told the celebrity magazine Hollowhead in an interview she will need someone to read to her.

"I never not learnt to not read at school because I was not learning not how to not do counting numbers and things like that and how not to speak proper English and not write it too, in words and things.

"Not learning not to do lots of things meant I was too busy and tired to not try to not learn how to do something - besides I knew I was going to be a star and brains and talents would have just got in the way of that."

Despite that astonishing level of inability, the glamorous and petite Victoria was undeterred and, as Posh Spice in the world famous recording group the Spice Girls, also proved she couldn't sing.

However, she could pick a winner when it came to marriage and her much publicised relationship with footballer David Beckham has shown them to be a stable and well-adjusted couple, who both dote on their sons.

Yet despite that astonishingly tranquil marriage - with the only few waves being Posh's admitted refusal to eat unless she gets her own way - the former pint-sized pop star has always found time to dote on herself.

"There's not no-one not anywhere whose not got what I've not got, you know," she said. "There is not many people who can't not say that, at least not that I don't not know about."

Now tottering on the verge of proving that she also can't act by possibly taking on a role in Michelle Pfeiffer's new movie, Posh looks like also proving she no model, having signed up to front uber-chic Roberto Cavalli's new range.

She has also hinted that there is a good chance for the Spice Girls to reform and once again conquer the world of popular music.

With her incredible, hard-earned vacuous life, Victoria is also desperate to extend her family - with a daughter.

"I'd really like to have a girl," she admitted.

"Someone I could show pictures of me to and choose her clothes and make-up for, and make her look like I want her to look.

"I don't think you couldn't not say that I don't not owe that to myself."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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