Written by Amethyst Ryder
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Sunday, 2 January 2011

image for Tony Randall on Elton John's fatherhood: "Elton started young!"
With luck, Elton John will still be standing after his son enters grade school, says Tony Randall.

In a rare statement issued from the afterlife, actor Tony Randall dismissed concerns that Elton John is too old to be a new father.

"Too old? Ridiculous," said Randall, who died in 2004 at the age of 84. "Why, I was more than ten years older than he is now when my first child was born. And I went on to sire an encore!"

Randall also acknowledged that his children were barely grade-school age when he died.

"Yes, that was a down side," he admitted. "But Elton is only 63. If he lives as long as I did, he will not only get to see his son graduate from high school, he might even be around to see his son drop out of college and form one of those abominable rock bands that people with no taste in music seem to favor."

When it was pointed out to him that Elton himself is a popular musician, Randall seemed surprised. "Of course," he said, "I listened only to opera and other classical music, not that garbage, so I wouldn't know. I only knew of Elton John as a famous gay man who plays bad tennis for charity."

"The important thing," Randall went on to say, "is that however many years Elton may have to enjoy fatherhood, his son will, I'm sure, be grateful he simply got to exist."

Asked if he himself had any regrets, Randall grew pensive.

"Well," he said. "I was disappointed that George W. Bush and Dick Cheney didn't even attempt to attend my funeral. I was looking forward to seeing them turned away at the door."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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