Written by Gail Farrelly
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Sunday, 2 January 2011

image for Spider-Man Actress Leaves Broadway Show, Hopes to Be in Superman Show
Spider-Man's webs didn't keep Arachne safe.

"I'm outta here," announced the actress who had been playing the part of Arachne in the Broadway musical Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark.

It was clear that she could hardly control her relief as she spoke to reporters, just before exiting the theater for the last time. She said, "It was bad enough, during performances, when they hung me upside down and spun me around in order to dazzle the audience. But then, when I got hit with a rope -- well, that was the last straw. Believe me, a concussion is no fun."

The exhausted actress took a deep breath, rubbed her injured head, and wiped away a few tears. Then she continued, "What a disaster. And if Spider-Man had any balls, any balls at all, he just never would have allowed it. A pox on his house."

She stopped for a moment to do a quick inventory of the belongings she had packed to take home from the theater: a first-aid kit, extra bandages for her head, pills for nausea, and a helmet with a protective suit of armor that she had been wearing under her costume in an unsuccessful attempt to stay safe.

Trying to remain upbeat, she confided that she was hoping to snag a role in a Superman musical that may be heading for Broadway. "Superman is 72 years old and knows how to treat a lady," she said confidently. "In fact he's giving me a lift home this afternoon."

Sure enough, a minute later, the Man of Steel appeared at the stage door and swooped the actress up in his arms. One leap (yes siree, he can still leap tall buildings in a single bound), and they were flying high. In deference to the hordes of folks on the ground, they remained in a holding pattern for a few minutes, circling the theater district and acknowledging the cheers of an elated Times Square crowd.

It was definitely a Cindy Adams ("Only in New York, kids, only in New York") moment.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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