HOLLYWOOD - The executives of the TLC Network have decided to pre-empt the season finale of Sarah Palin's Frozen Alaska in order to bring the American viewing public a special starring Sarah Palin's oldest daughter Bristol.
Bristol who took third place in this year's edition of Dancing With The Stars showed the nation's viewers how a chubby little, unmarried Alaskan mother can come out of no where, aka Wasilla Alaska, train with one of the best dancers in the world (i.e. Mark Ballas), and soon become one fantastic chubby little, unmarried dancing sensation.
Bristol "The Pistol" never acknowledged the fact that the only reason she got as far in the dancing competition as she did was because of the tremendous amount of votes that were cast by her mom's Tea Bag Party members.
Bruno Tonioli, aka The Gaytalian judge, confided to his good friend Donny Osmond that there was no way in hell that the Kelly Clarkson lookalike should have even made it into the top ten, let alone all the way to third place.
Fellow judge Carrie Ann Inaba stated off-the-record that the Alaskan mama with the lumberjack's mouth has about as much dancing ability, grace, and style as Joan Rivers has sex appeal, firm tits, and a crotch that doesn't hang all the way down to her knees (when she's in the shower).
And the English judge Len "The Crotchety Grouch" Goodman added that poor "Pistol" Palin when she was dancing looked a lot like a bloody bloomin' reindeer trying to mount an unwilling blithering woodchuck.
Bristol, when told of the judges remarks simply commented, "Bruno and Len can both kiss my unmarried, unwed, unattached friggin Alaskan ass. And as for the ex-Filipino waitress she can take Len's crumpet sandwich and stick it in her underwear and eat it for breakfast."
The 20-year-old Palin allowed a film crew from CNN to video tape her in her new 3,900 square foot Maricopa, Arizona home in the Wizard of Oz subdivision.
The crew filmed each one of her five bedrooms, her five baths, her dance studio, her big game antler room, and her amazing 700 square foot food pantry.
Bristol "The Pistol" paid $172,824 for the brown, red, and lavender stucco house that is valued at $775,000. She remarked that in keeping with the Southwest Spanish flavor motif she has christened the house Casa La Pistola, which is the Spanish translation of "The Pistol House."
When asked why she was able to get such a good deal on the house Bristol simply smiled and said that the owner was very desperate to sell the house.
[EDITOR'S NOTE: I spoke with Barbara Walters and I asked her about Britol's new house and the tremendous deal she received. Walters confided that the reason young Palin got such a fantastic deal is because her mom's friend Sheriff Joe "Pinky" Arpaio made some phone calls, twisted some arms, and showed several citizens of Arizona some rather interesting photographs.]