Elton John's famous piles have returned with a bloody vengeance after a rather rough new years eve party and he is considering surgery early in the new year.
Dr Herman Clitterman (of rebore and sleeve fame) and well known in Harley Street for his nocturnal wanderings will be flying over from the USA to perform the delicate operation with a team of specially trained male nurses.
Apparently old Elton is currently supporting his wayward rectal muscles with a specially designed sling in an attempt to negate further damage to his badly bloated veins.
His partner commented to a member of staff that going down there was akin to fighting one's way through a dense kelp forest with attitude and not to mention the awful smell from the constant waste leakage.
Weeki Leeks will endeavour to keep you all well informed for as long as our corresponent can manage to remain hidden in the evergreen tree with his camera and listening device focussed on the mansion.
We have no doubt that the public and the entertainment world will be awaiting our next installment with baited breath.