Hundreds of Follywood stars who collect children like Mike Vick used to collect pet dogs, breathed a sigh of relief today as Suri Holmes-Cruise dropped her divorce suit seeking separate maintenance and 'her own life' that could have set a dangerous precedence in the lucrative mail order "Adopt a Pet Kid" business.
Suri's barrister, Livingstone Scrotum, a feared divorce lawyer in Hollywood, said "everything worked out for the best. Tom is ecstatic and 'jumped the couch' with the news, Katie...well, Katie's just Katie and didn't really know what was going on, and of course Suri got what she wanted as usual in order to settle the suit 'for the good of the family.'
Scrotum wasn't saying, but insiders who've dealt with him in the past said his share of the negotiated settlement was in the 'low 7 figures, plus expenses."
For her part, Suri wasn't saying much. She was busy with a decorator furnishing her 1500 square foot 'playhouse' just constructed in the back yard of the Cruise estate, and talking to the architect about adding a 30 x36 garage to house her new Lamborghini.
Suri, who said she was tired of being carried everywhere by Katie, also received a custom mobility scooter with built in Wi-Fi, a 14 speaker Bose stereo system with outsized Woofer, a raised suspension, gps, a backup warning camera and Cruise Control (pardon the pun).
The precocious 4 year old diva with the $2M wardrobe also won the right to appear in public as she begins to advance her own career.
So far she is entertaining requests for appearances from Piers Morgan, The View, Oprah, HairBall with Chris Matthews, and her own reality show on TLC tentatively titled "BRATZ WITH BALLS."
Upon hearing the news, Angelina Jolie was said to have 'lost her temper, again' and was forcibly placed in rehab for 'anger management issues' and husband Brad was said to
be thinking about putting the kids up for adoption on eBay with no reserve, and a very reasonable 'Buy 'em Now' tag due to the fact they weren't yet 'fully house broken."