Elton John is denying published reports that he is now a gay father. "Make that 'gay mother,'" the bewigged, bespectacled and gap-toothed singer asserted.
The 60-year-old John explained that he was actually impregnated by his civil partner, a 48-year-old unemployed gold-digger.
John says he went through five years of grueling surgical procedures to have his masculine sexual features removed and a woman's reproductive system implanted in his body.
"It was painful and costly," John asserted, "but now my husband and I can have a baby that is truly ours-not jus a Romanian or African orphan like most stars settle for."