Archeologists doing research for the History Channel's newest reality show, "Sex After Death', were shocked to find the Pajama Wrapped remains of Playboy Mogul Hugh Hefner still kicking around the Hollywood Mansion and preparing for his latest wedding!
Located in an isolated bedroom chamber 75 feet below ground in a window less room adorned with only a round revolving bed, 75 big screen TVs showing endless loops of 'tasteful pornography', and a closet containing 365 identical black lounging robes, pink 'bunny' slippers, and a wall mounted condom machine, Hefner reportedly said
'reports of my penile dysfunction are premature," as he introduced his fiance, 23 year old inflatable doll Crystal Harris!
The 107 year old wizened magazine publisher, life style entrepreneur, and voyeur, attributes his long life to a diet of tofu, vitamin pills, his lack of sunshine protecting him from harmful UV rays, and a bevy of brainless Bimbos who couldn't cut it as a talking Blonde Breast on Fox News.
According to industry insiders, Hefner has not seen the 'outside' in over 6 decades, maintains an 'on call' plastic surgeon to work on his real life 'Barbie Dolls', and his own Urologist credited with helping him 'keep it up' after having more women than Wilt Chamberlain, Tiger Woods, and Michael Jordan combined.
Said Wilt the Stilt, "for a shriveled up old white Jewish guy, he's really quite the Pussy Hound! He can't run, dance, or pass, but he sure can dribble and shoot...amazing!"
This will be Hef's 3rd marriage, although he has been known to "lease" some companions for short durations. Three of his children from previous marriages are now all aged between 75-82 and have been confined to nursing homes, while Hef keeps going strong!
Said bride to be Crystal, "Well, Duuuude, it's like the lottery....the odds are getting shorter each day that I'll be the one to outlast the wrinkled little prick....maybe I'll be the one who gets the call one morning announcing "Congratulations, You WON" when the old Bastard
finally dies while wanking off in the hot tub!"
The History Channel has committed to at least one episode of "Sex After Death" with an option to renew if Hefner survives the Honey Moon!.