Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Monday, 27 December 2010

image for Sarah "Lumberjack" Palin Singled-Handedly Cuts Down A 170 Foot Tree On "Sarah Palin's Frozen Alaska"
The Betty Afognak Evergreen Timber Logging Camp Cafeteria.

KODIAK ISLAND, Alaska - Sarah Palin and her husband Todd and their 16-year-old daughter Willow headed out to Afognak Island located on Kodiak Island in the seventh installment of the hit cable show Sarah Palin's Frozen Alaska.

Afognak was founded in 1863 by Betty Afognak, a Swedish woman who had been kidnapped by the local Eskimos and who raised her to be an Eskimo ice gatherer.

Afognak was solely responsible for the construction of over 687 igloos in the greater Afognak Island area from 1863 to 1865.

The Palin's traveled to The Betty Afognak Evergreen Timber Logging Camp. While there Sarah and Todd each had two Lowenbrau Beers and Willow had an A&W Root Beer.

After finishing their beverages they set out to the woods so that "Shotgun" Sarah could cut down a tree. Sarah told the camp forman, Granville Ditherdot that she had never cut down a tree before.

She laughed and confessed that when she was 19, she did accidentally run over an avocado bush with her dads 1983 Toyota pick up.

Ditherdot asked her if she had ever run over a polar bear or a caribou. She grinned and said that she would have to take the fifth on that one.

One of the lumberjacks Woody "Woody Goody" Quickhatch let Sarah borrow his lumberjack chainsaw. He told her to be careful not to mess up her manicured fingernails.

Palin pointed out that she does not get her fingernails manicured, or her toenails pedicured, or her hooha bikini waxed.

Woody blushed a bit. He showed her which button to push to start the saw. Sarah started the saw and within 52 seconds she had managed to completely saw through the 170 foot tall tree.

She yelled out "Timber!" and watched the tree fall to the ground. She asked Woody how she had done. He told her that she had done damn good except for when she yelled out timber. Woody explained to her that yelling timber is a custom that is only done down in the 'Lower 48' states.

Palin stated that she truly felt that by her yelling timber it would alert the other lumberjacks to look around and make sure that they did not get hit by the falling tree.

Woody reminded her that she was in Alaska and Alaskans do things a whole lot different and in some cases a whole lot unsafer.

The "Wilderness Woman" shook her head and replied, "I gotcha Woody. Gosh darnit ya know sometimes I forget that gee willakers I'm in Alaska."

Sarah then helped another camp employee Cody Flickarillo, who runs a loading machine. She took over the controls and she loaded the log onto a truck. Palin almost accidentally broke out the window on the loader with the log but luckily Flickarillo saw what was happening and he managed to quickly push her out of the way and took the controls over before Palin had caused any damage.

Meanwhile, daughter Willow was back at camp talking on her cell phone, texting her boyfriend, rolling her eyes, and cutting up a lettuce to make a salad.

The following day the three adventuresome Palins went to the Kodiak Island Speedway and Moose Reserve, where Todd and Willow each got in a stock car and raced around the race track for three laps.

Todd's total time was 69 seconds and Willows was 66 seconds. So Willow was awarded the coveted Stuffed Reindeer Balls Trophy, which in Alaska is basically the equivalent of winning an Academy Award Oscar.

Willow said that she will definitely cherish the Stuffed Reindeer Balls Trophy and that she will put it up in her room next to the life-size photo of Justin Bieber and the CD which was personally signed and given to her by Demi Lovato, just three days before she entered the Henry and Betty Ford Rehab Clinic to cure her anger management.

SIDENOTE: Willow Palin wanted it known that the rumor that her older sister Bristol "The Pistol" Palin is having Mark Ballas' baby is positively false and that she believes that the rumor was started by anti-Palin advocate and staunch Democrat Barbra Streisand.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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