Expectations were running high at the London Oasis Bar and Grill as The Bonkettes made their eagerly awaited comeback gig, following manager and part time bongo player BT Bishop's coronary.
Soon to be Royal, Kate Middleton wowed the eager crowd by showing up unannounced at the OB&G disguised as a beefeater. Following lengthy bouts of back-slapping and beer swilling, stand-in caretaker manager, Gay Larry took to the stage to announce the greatest girl band in the world's Christmas comeback.
Gay Larry complained about the muck in the OB&G and told the guy on table 5 to shut that door, and from that point onwards it was 'game on.'
The show opened with The Bonkettes' resident male dance troupe, The Woodentops gyrating their way through 'Like A Virgin' - sung by the girls from backstage.
As Woodentop, Bungalow Bob's block and tackle temporarily escaped the confines of his thong, the girls made their entrance with a rousing rendition of She Rubs You. Observers reported that the crowd went wild, and that drummer, Fanny Tickler really punished the skins with some exotic wrist action.
As The Bonkettes got into the festive spirit by singing Fairy Tale Of Jew York, the guy on table five bombarded the girls with a seemingly endless supply of soiled Y-fronts and boxer shorts.
The Bonkettes looked right at home performing in this intimate venue, and the crowd got quite carried away, with, according to reports, soon-to-be-royal, Kate Middleton, dancing up and down waving her knickers in the air, and even having a go on the mechanical bucking bronco, where it's said she performed like a good 'un.
The Bonkettes then stunned the eager crowd by running through a range of festive classics, such as Bonking Around The Christmas Tree, Shite Christmas, The Wankers Song, Camel Toe And Wine, and Little Bummer Boy.
Closing the show with a triumphant version of Wanking In The Dark, the girls left the crowd panting for more.
Especially the guy on table 5, who turned a strange shade of scarlet as steam spurted out of his ears. While he made a noise like a steam engine, in a Whoo-Whoo! kind of way. Also noted by witnesses, his drinking companion, allegedly Kate Middleton's grandmudder in law allegedly stripped to the waist, letting it all hang out as she embarked on a headbanging session that very nearly dislodged her diamond encrusted tiara.
Speaking from the VIP lounge after the show, sipping weapons grade plutonium through an asbestos straw The Bonkettes lead singer, BJ Swallow told SEN:
"Yeah, that was like, really cool. Coolest crowd we ever played for."
Gay Larry was too busy playing on line chess against Wagner Carrilho to be arsed to comment.
More as we get it.
SEN would like to apologise to readers for the appalling quality of this news story, but in mitigation, pleads a big fuck-off hangover as a pathetic excuse. Season's Greetings To all our readers. The poor bastards.