Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Saturday, 25 December 2010

image for The Vampire Dairies Christmas Episode Has Become America's Most Watched Television Show of All-Time
Nina Dobrev's pet raven which she has named 'Count Vampire.'

HOLLYWOOD - The executives at the CW Network were thrilled beyond belief as they had just learned that their hit show The Vampire Dairies Christmas Special entitled "You Say Christmas Ornaments - I Say Christmas Balls, What The Hey" has just been rated as America's Most Watched Television Show of All-Time.

The shows producer Manolo Middlezuck, stated that The Vampire Dairies has really caught on not only with the younger viewers, but with the older viewers, and the way older viewers as well.

He confessed that the shows unofficial policy of booking guest stars who have tremendous fan bases has really paid off.

The recent episode with Justin Bieber really brought in huge numbers of teenage viewers. The episode which featured Sandra Bullock brought in a lot of middle age viewers, and the episode that featured Joan Rivers, Cloris Leachman, and Betty White brought in oodles and oodles of old-as-the-hills viewers.

Middlezuck said that the viewership for the Vampire Dairies Christmas Show literally shot through the roof. He said that it even beat out the final episode ratings of M*A*S*H, the final episode of F-Troop, the final episode of Starsky and Hutch, and the final episode of cable's big hit, The Lusciously Naked Housewives of Cucamonga.

Manolo added that the idea of having the cast dress up in Christmas outfits was at first, not well received by the network 'suits.' But after he informed them that the sponsors loved the idea and that they even agreed to double the commercial fee they quickly jumped on board like Kirstie Alley jumping on a loose cupcake.

Middlezuck said that the production company spared no expense bringing in 24, 18-wheelers loaded with snow from the Canadian Yukon to make the town of Mystic Falls, West Virginia resemble the North Pole in the 'snow sense' of course.

[EDITOR'S TIDBIT: The town of Mystic Falls was originally named Mystic Balls, but that name was changed in 1927, by a city council vote of 4-3, due to the obvious reason(s).]

Middlezuck was asked if he had any problem getting the shows main actors, Nina Dobrev, Paul Wesley, and Ian Somerhalder to dress up as Christmas elves. He simply grinned like the California cat that swallowed the Canadian canary.

He then mentioned that none of the three actors liked the idea. He said that Somerhalder even threatened to quit the show if he was made to dress as a Christmas elf, or to use his word fairy.

Middlezuck said that he had his assistant bring him the contract that Somerhalder had signed. He handed it to him and told him to turn to page six and read paragraph three, item number two.

Somerhalder did and his eyes soon got the size of ping pong balls. Item number two clearly stated that the actor (Ian Somerhalder) would read his lines exactly as they had been written by the shows writers.

He would follow the director and producer's instructions to the letter and any deviation or refusal to do so would result not only in immediate termination, but in a fine of $400,000, and possible imprisonment in a Federal Prison for a period of not less than two years.

Somerhalder returned the contract and replied, "Okay, Mr. Middlezuck, sir, where is that wonderfully cute little Christmas elf outfit that I can hardly wait to get into?"

SIDENOTE: The rumor of Queen Elizabeth getting a tattoo on her upper left thigh with the name 'Prince P.' has been proven to be absolutely false by a spokesperson for Buckingham Palace.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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