Written by Jalapenoman
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Topics: Surgery, Twins

Wednesday, 10 August 2005

Siamese twins MaryKateandAshley Olsen are scheduled to undergo surgery Tuesday to be separated from each other. If the delicate procedure is successful, they have announced that they will now each have their own first names and have chosen, not surprisingly, MaryAsh and Kateley.

Many outside of Hollywood were not the two teenage media moguls and multi-millionaires were actually Siamese twins and were co-joined. Former Full House co-star Bob Saget said "it has always been sad to be around them and see them suffer so. To see those two young, beautiful girls having to share just one talent was really hard. I hope this surgery will allow them to each find and follow their own separate paths. I hope that those paths lead us all back to a Full House reunion show that pays us each a lot of money because I'm available since I'm no longer doing Funniest Home Videos."

An army of young girls are expected to hold a vigil outside of the clinic and will be saying their prayers Monday night for their heroes. As they pray, each will be dressed in their lacy pink MaryKateandAshley pajamas while kneeling by their beds covered with their MaryKateandAshley sheets, pillow cases, and pillows. Clothes from the MaryKateandAshley collection will fill their closets and their bookshelves will be lined with MaryKateandAshley books and MaryKateandAshley videos and dvds. The stars, obviously, are a major factor in all facets of marketing for children.

Another group of fans who will be cheering on a successful surgery are college fraternity boys. It seems that posters of the Olsens in 2 piece swimwear have become popular on frat house and dormitory walls. When asked which twin he liked best, Dorf Chucklenuckle of TauTauTauEpsilon Fraternity said "It don't matter cuz' they'ze both hotties and I want ta party with 'em. But, but, but if you cut 'em in half, does that mean they might have 8 ah, you know, instead of four?"

Doctors at the Mayo Clinic, sight of the upcoming surgery, have reported that there is cause to worry. Hospital Spokesman Jaime Sprocketwhistle said "There are dangers. One of the young ladies might get all of the talent and the other none, or they each could receive some portion. There is also a possibility that the talent may have to be totally removed and that both girls will end up with none."

When asked how they would react to the possibility of neither one receiving any talent, MaryKateandAshley responded by saying that "if it happens, it happens. If we end up with no talent at all, we'll just have to sign on to do a show for the WB."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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