Written by Ellis Ian Fields
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Saturday, 18 December 2010

image for Strictly Come Dancing Breasts & Nut Clusters Awards 2010
1937's winners in action

As much as their quick-stepping artistry, the physical attributes of the Strictly contestants were under close scrutiny as they danced for the 2010 title last night.

For months viewers have been transfixed by the delightful décolletés of the girls' tantalising "not-quite-there" frocks and the neatly-packed gussett regions of the boys' tight trousers.

These areas have become such an essential part of the programme that the contest producers decided to make awards for the best-presented bosoms and nut clusters.

They drafted an expert panel of judges: historian Simon Schama; feminist writer and broadcaster Germaine Greer; columnist and conservative commentator Peter Hitchens; and Saturdays singer Mollie King.

A show insider says: "Clearly this is a delicate job. The judges not only observe how the 'attributes' appear and behave on stage, they need to get 'up close and personal' backstage, to observe preparation.

"For example, there will be much 'cupping' - of both the girls and boys.

"Do the girls pass the pencil test? Is there a pleasant and cheeky pertness? Do the boys 'dress' smartly and is their strap packed neatly? These are just some of the questions the judges need to pose.

"They take this job very seriously and can spend hours checking and double-checking their marking.

"It wouldn't have been necessary, of course, if Anne Widdecomb and Anton hadn't been eliminated before the final. There's no doubt Anne's rack would have been a shoe-in for the girls' award!"

The results were announced long after EIF News & Features staff could care less - Saturday night wine and beer having taken their toll.

(Additional reporting by Col Juan Syndications).

Make Ellis Ian Fields's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

Print this


Share/Bookmark

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Email:

What's 3 multiplied by 2?

3 6 10 22

Go to top