After just 2 years of marriage (or the equivalent amount of time NBC's 'Joey' sitcom series survived), the world's most beautiful, perfect, sexy, enigmatic, and interesting couple are going to have a nice dinner at The Keg-- meaning Mr. and Mrs. Stefano M. Stefano.
Oh, yeah, and Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds are divorcing.
Rumors are rampant as to who is at fault, and who will order a salad with his or her steak.
It comes as a shocker, since Reynolds and Johansson (who never changed her name to Scarlett Reynolds...hmmm...) seemed so perfect, and ready to produce amazingly attractive children, although this reporter wasn't sure if either would want sour cream and chives on their baked potato, or just a big glob of butter.
The word on the street outside of The Keg restaurant is that the split was 'amicable', which is Hollywood-speak for For-the-love-of-God-please-don't-leak-the-real-reasons-to-TMZ-Fox-News-or-the-BBC, but this investigative journalist has the full background details, which are as solid as his brownie ice cream dessert he's planning to wolf down after dinner.
It's quite obvious, really. This year, the lovely Mrs. Reynolds, or rather, MS. Johansson, starred opposite Robert Downey Jr. as the Marvel superhero, Black Widow. In 2011, Ryan Reynolds, or rather, MR. Johansson, will be the lead as DC's Emerald Avenger, The Green Lantern.
The cross-over potential would have been amazing since Spider-Man met Superman or Daffy Duck met Donald Duck, but unfortunately, our bland, boring, superhero-less, steak-eater universe couldn't co-exist where the Marvel Universe and the DC Universe could merge to become one super-hot, sexy continuum.
I tried to get Mrs. Johansson-Reynolds to admit that this was the case for the pending divorce, but even as she threw her Subway cold-cut classic sandwich at me, I could have sworn I heard her say (with a mouthful of yummy ham,lettuce,tomatos and Ranch dressing), "I luff Stan Lee and I'on Man an' all that cool Fantathick Four thtuff!"
As I made my reservations for my dinner with Mrs. Stefano, I watched as Ryan Reynolds-Johansson cried in his Diet Coke at Burger King, as he lamented to a close friend (or maybe the restaurant's manager, Pepe), "How could she do this to me?! What's not to love about a guy with a green ring and a universe of space cops, dark knights, and magic lassos?! DC rocks, dude!"
And so another marriage comes to an end, brought forth by the tragic collision of Good and, eh, well, Good And Sexy. (have you seen Scarlett as the Black Widow???!!! Yowzaaa! Niiice!!!
(Almost as much as Mrs. Stefano, who'll be paying for my dinner!)