Written by Jalapenoman
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Topics: Britney Spears, Army

Tuesday, 9 August 2005

image for Britney Spears Hires Own Army for "Protection and Stuff"
Britney Spears is now a military leader with her own army.

Pop Icon and expectant mother Britney Spears has decided to come clean after allegations that she, or someone in her employ, shot a reporter with a bb gun.

Spears revealed that she has recruited and train her own personal army to protect her from the paparazzi and over zealous fans. Said Spears, "I couldn't fill out the paperwork to get licenses to carry guns because the forms had too many big words and stuff, so my army is armed with bb guns, pellet guns, pea shooters, and slingshots. We bought a bunch of paintball guns, but can't find any of the pink pellets and I think that the shades of green, orange, blue, and yellow pellets I can find are really gross and disgusting colors."

When asked the purpose of her army, Spears replied that "they are supposed to protect me and my husband and baby and stuff. Since I'm still a virgin, my chastity and virtue are something that are always being pursued by the perverts out there who think I am trying to turn them on in my semi-naked videos with the bumping and grinding."

When reminded that she is married and pregnant and could not still be a virgin, Spears said that "I am so, or else Virgin Atlantic records wouldn't be trying to sign me."

The army, called Britney's Battalion by its members, is commanded by former Partridge Family bad boy Danny Bonaduce. In an exclusive interview, Danny told The Spoof that "I love this job. Shooting guns at obnoxious reporters who are always accusing me of stuff when they don't have pictures and checking out Britney's rack is the best job I've had in years. Besides, what harm can you do with a bb gun?"

Shirley Jones, Danny's television mother on The Partridge Family, issued this warning: "Danny, be careful or you'll shoot your eye out!"

The choice of outfitters for the uniforms for Britney's Battalion is still undecided. Bids are being accepted through the end of the month from several designers and chains. "I want them to wear something that says that they are strong and threatening, but at the same time that they are artistic and have got cool moves. It has to be sexy and colorful, but still be masculine. I don't think we'll go with any kind of baseball cap or beret, but something cool like colorful cowboy hats with a bandana from one of my videos might match, "said Spears.

In regards to the uniforms, Bonaduce said "I told her not to make them too queer. As long as they do not look too stupid, I don't care. I just want to shoot at reporters who accuse me of fighting and being drunk in public and try to tarnish my squeaky clean image from my fun days as Danny Partridge."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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