(Chicago, IL - December 15, 2010)… The music world received disappointing news today as industry sources have reported that a rumored collaboration between Grammy Winning R&B Mega-Star R. Kelly and Pop music's favorite up-and-coming celbri-fetus, Willow Smith, will never come to fruition.
Kelly, whose extensive catalog has lead the singer to almost iconic status within music circles and middle school recesses, hoped the young sensation would inject some youthful enthusiasm into his deteriorating music career. In fact, the Chicago native mentioned he would love to inject enthusiasm at least 2-3 times a night, and possibly once in the morning if time permitted. Early reports reveal significant hesitancy from the Smith family who apparently nixed the project due to Kelly's well documented "bladder complications."
Barry Weiss, CEO of Jive Records was visibly frustrated as he expressed his sentiments about the failed duet:
"I'm obviously disheartened by the news today. Willow Smith is a captivating talent and we would have loved to feature her on a record with Robert. Listen, I'm going to be blunt with you people, I believe that this record could have flied, perhaps even high enough to touch the sky if we would have thought about it every night and day. Unfortunately, as conversation with the Smith family continued, it became increasingly evident that we'd be seeing this collaboration soar, right through that open door, and into the fucking garbage."
Music critics looking forward to hearing what was sure to be a #1 record, were dissatisfied with the anticlimactic conclusion of the transpiring events. While some criticism was focused on the music community being deprived of two exceptional artists transcending their differences to create audible works of art with a distinct possibility of inspiring future generations, most people were just pissed because they wanted to see how R. Kelly could have possibly made a song with a girl that's not even old enough to be the illegitimate daughter of the girl affectionately featured in the R&B singers sex tape.
As media outlets began reporting on the prominence of the failed collaboration, news of the event became increasingly prominent in a national conversation focused on how prominently the story had been featured. Meanwhile, North and South Korea bombed the shit out of each other, killing hundreds, but I digress.
Will Smith, whose decades of success in film, music and television have lead to international fame, was eager to speak about the controversy surrounding his daughter's promising career. Recently, Smith has been more sporadic in his selection of film roles due to his busy schedule of fertilizing his wives womb with magic sperm, but he still found time to briefly speak with the media moments after accepting JET magazine's "3rd Least Threatening Black Guy" award.
"First and foremost, I'm a family man, I look out for my own, and I don't make decisions that are not in the best interest of my loved ones. While I have no problem relentlessly pimping the children I've actually spent a very minuscule amount of time with, sometimes you've gotta realize when to draw the line. I know, I know, eventually my children will grow old enough to make independent decisions and realize their entire lives have been nothing more then indoctrination into the entertainment industry, but until then, I'm going to exploit the shit out of em' while coaching them to smile and say we're just like any other regular family with two movie star parents and children who are already having dry sex in the VIP of the 40/40 club."
The collaboration, tentatively titled "Latch-Key Lovers," was set to have an all-star team of familiar faces. The proposed half hour "mini-movie" would have been shot in a manner that R. Kelly described as "'Trapped in the Closet' on steroids." Kelly also mentioned that it wouldn't have been the kind of steroids you get from that sketchy guy you met at the gym, but the "testify in front of Congress" type of steroids.
Rosario Dawson, acclaimed actress and long time Will Smith film collaborator, was chosen as the star of the video because of her beauty and skill. Jay-Z, legendary rapper, prominent music executive and long time R. Kelly collaborator, was tapped for a cameo verse because of his notoriety and talent. And DJ Jazzy Jeff, long time collaborator with the "Fresh Prince" in music and film, was chosen as the song's producer because he still owes Will Smith $7 from 1986.