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Tuesday, 9 August 2005

image for NRA issues Britney Spears "Lil Sharpshooter" Marksmanship Award
America's Favorite Pop-Tart - a Killer?

Mailbu - After plinking celebrity photographer Brad Diaz in the thigh as he hid in a palm tree overlooking the Spears beachfront enclave, NRA president Saddam Wjohwicz announced the National Rifle Association was awarding Ms. Spears the "Lil Sharpshooter" award. "It doesn't matter that she was "only" using a pellet gun. Mrs Spears managed to find and fix a stealthy, intelligent paparazzi hiding in natural vegetation, and put a round into him. That's quite an accomplishment for this young lady."

The "Lil Sharpshooter" is an award normally awarded to Boy and Girl Scouts receiving free (courtesy of the NRA) marksmanship training at summer camps nationwide. According to one BSA source, "As long as you don't shoot the instructor in the ass while he's changing the targets, you get the award."

Asked if Ms. Spears had received marksmanship training, her publicity agent, Nicole King, said "Britney didn't know anything about it. It went off all by itself. Someone told her it wasn't loaded." Asked whether the singer's private SWAT team was in any way involved, King said "Oh no! They're equipped with REAL guns."

Police said Diaz was treated with an adhesive bandage (a.k.a. "Band-Aid") at the scene and described his injury as insignificant. But they said they would reconstruct the incident and talk to everyone involved. Said Detective Axel Foley, of the Malibu P.D., "Someone coulda gotten an eye put out. You should never point a loaded firearm at anyone you consider your friend."

CSI producer Steven Bruckheimer, attending the baby shower, immediately called Gil Grissom and his team to reconstruct the shooting. "Its got everything we want in an episode" Bruk is reported as saying, "A cute blonde, a blood trail, and a guy in a tree that everyone despises. The shooter coulda been Britney, it coulda been her unborn child, her husband, a member of her security team, even a guest!"

Angelina Jolie, attending the shower, reportedly couldn't quit giggling after the incident. After receiving actual weapons training for her recent role in "Mr and Mrs Smith" she reportedly told guests "I could have shot the tip of his pecker off if I'd had a scope." Denying that was a confession, Jolie continued her trip into insobriety.

Preserving the evidence, however, took second place to opening baby gifts and champagne, according to one family member. "You shoulda seen his [the photographer's] look after falling out of that tree. He was screaming "I've been shot! I've been shot" like someone had fired a .357 or something. Even Britney thought it was funny - until they put the handcuffs on her.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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