CHELATNA LAKE, Alaska - In the fifth installment of Sarah Palin's Frozen Alaska Kate Gosselin, of the Kate Plus 8 reality show remarked to Chucky Heath, Sarah's dad that she was thrilled beyond belief that she did not get eaten up by a grizzly bear. Sarah Palin smiled, turned towards her husband Todd, and softly whispered "Gosh darnit."
City girl Kate took her eight kids up to the "Iceberg State" to visit the Palin's in what was to have been an excitingly memorable camping experience.
As soon as the Gosselin kiddoes entered the Palin's home, Casa Moscow, the kids began jumping up and down on everything that was jumpable.
Little Collin immediately did a flying leap onto the gigantic bear skin rug that was in the middle of the living room. He and brother Joel then proceeded to remove the bear's tongue.
Kate asked Todd if the tongue had been attached. Sarah's dad Chucky chimed in and replied, "Well not effen anymore it ain't, now is it Missy?"
The Palin's and Gosselin's then flew up to Chelatna Lake, located in the Talkeetna Mountains. The wilderness experience was a memorable one for the former Dancing With The Stars contestant who started complaining as soon as she got off the float plane.
Gosselin immediately told Sarah Palin that she was freezing to the bone even though she had on 19 layers of clothes including two pairs of waterproof bras and panties.
Kate even remarked to Sarah in private that her hooha had never been colder than it was during their camping 'ordeal.'
[EDITOR'S NOTE: I am sure that Kate's ex-husband Jon would certainly disagree with that statement.]
The ex-governor of Alaska giggled and told Kate to be happy that she wasn't an Eskimo because lots of times they use the snow and ice covered wonky wonks (snatcholas) as a means of birth control.
The Gosselin kids did have a great time even tough it was extremely cold and it was raining the whole time. Kate stayed underneath a blue tent and at one time complained that she had about 200 bug bites and that the only body part that a bug had not bitten was on her left ovary.
Kate told Sarah that she was totally miserable and that she had not felt that horrible since her dancing days on Dancing With The Stars when she had to put up with the mean, hateful remarks of judge Len "The British Bulldog" Goodman.
Sarah just smiled. Gosselin said she was hungry and Chucky gave her a moose hot dog. She said she hated moose. He then gave her a caribouburger. She said she hated caribou. He then gave her some marshmallows made from the hormones of a polar bear. Kate grabbed her stomach and asked where the toilet was.
Chucky laughed and told her that it was in Wasilla, 55 miles away. Kate started screaming that it is illegal and against the law not to have a toilet where one can go number one and/or number two
Sarah's dad grinned and told her that she was welcome to hike her city slicker ass down to Wasilla and get herself a friggin lawyer who specializes in toilet cases.
Sarah and Todd laughed and 16-year-old daughter Willow said, "Wow grandpa that's a friggin good one."
Nine-year-old Piper Palin hollered out, "Golly gee willakurs Mrs. Gosselin you are the sissiest woman that I have ever flippin seen."
Kate gave her a stare and remarked, "Well Pepper, or Pecker, or Piper or whatever your freakin name is your mama wears rubber army boots so how about that?"
Piper looked puzzled as she replied, "Hey, I know my mommy wears rubber army boots and she also wears a jock strap and what of it bitch?"
Meanwhile Todd went off salmon fishing by himself. Sarah went up to him and asked why he had left camp. He shook his head and replied that if he hadn't he was afraid that he would make the news as being the person who had assaulted Kate Gosselin with a reindeer food dish.
Sarah giggled and answered, "I hear ya first dude, I abso-effen-lutley hear ya."
When she returned to the spot underneath the blue tent where Kate stood pouting and complaining and complaining and pouting she asked her if she wanted to help her fillet a salmon.
Kate looked at her, made a spoiled brat face, and told her to get the little Amazonette Piper to help her because she would not be touching anything that had been swimming around in its own toilet.
Sarah looked at her and remarked, "Kate Gosselin you are one strange ass city bitch ain't cha?"
Kate stared at Sarah and replied, "Well 'Shotgun woman' I guess that I just kind of prefer to smell like a dainty, feminine American female instead of like an Alaskan female version of Buffalo effen Bill Cody."
And with that Kate said that she was going to gather up her eight kids and head on back to civilization where there is warmth, comfort, hand sanitizers, fast food, Margaritas, and toilets.
In other news. Whoopi Goldberg told Ellen DeGeneres that unlike Rev. Al Sharpton, the term 'Black Friday' has never offended her.