Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Monday, 13 December 2010

image for "The Tourist" Bombs - Jolie Blames Depp, Depp Blames Jolie
Angelina Jolie partly blames Johnny Depp's girlfriend Vanessa Paradis for the movie's failure.

HOLLYWOOD - The much awaited and much anticipated motion picture The Tourist has failed to reach its expectations and bombed worse than Madonna trying to sing a 9,000 word hip hop rap song.

The film's two super stars Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp were reportedly both in a state of shock. Jolie reportedly told her husband Brad Pitt that she places all of the blame on Depp because of the fact that his girlfriend of 12 years Vanessa Paradis had way too much influence on the couple's steamy love scenes.

Angelina noted that Paradis had made her boyfriend (Depp) tell the film's producer to cut the steamy naked shower scene. Jolie angrily said that the scene was one of the best scenes in the whole damn movie.

Jolie went on to add that Paradis had become upset with her (Jolie) after she had told her that she thought that her song "Mosquito Bites On My Hooha" was one of the worst songs she had ever heard including every song that Courtney Love ever recorded.

Angelina also confessed that during most of the filming Johnny would not wear deodorant which caused her to make faces during some of the more romantic scenes.

Meanwhile Depp placed the blame for the movie's horrible opening weekend take on Jolie's shoulders and the fact that she had let herself get so skinny that she looked like she could be Joan Rivers' illegitimate daughter.

He also pointed out that Angelina's dozens of tattoos are extremely ridiculous and look like they were put on by her four-year-old daughter Shiloh.

Depp also noted that at times during the on location filming which was done in Paris, Venice, and Iowa Jolie would suddenly disappear and be found eating three orders of French Fries at a local McDonald's.

He laughed and said that another factor in the movie's failure was the fact that Angelina's lips have now gotten so large and so horrendously ugly that a lot of the moviegoers literally got sick while eating their popcorn, hot dogs, and Raisinets.

SIDENOTE: The crime sexcapade drama will be at Blockbuster Video within seven days.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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