Written by Nick Hobbs
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Sunday, 12 December 2010

image for Star Wars 3D Update: Studio Reveals Significant Changes To Bring Saga Up To Date.
Tatooine, yesterday.

It is no secret that George Lucas, creator of legendary sci-fi tour de force 'Star Wars', is currently at work on a 3D updated version of his saga. But what wasn't known was the subtle changes he is making, to bring the saga bang up to date.

We have here a short list of a few of the changes that will appear in newly shot scenes, using new actors with previous stars faces CGI'd on to them.

Insiders at Lucasfilm have revealed that Luke will discover that Darth Vader is his father, through a leaked memo on a futuristic version of the Wikileaks website.

The document will cause quite a stir amongst the Rebel Alliance, who will attempt to shut the web-based gossip site down, by shooting a proton torpedo down an exhaust port in the back of the websites computer tower.

Also set to change is Chalmun's Cantina scene in Mos Eisley, in which Han Solo shoots Greedo under the table. Figrin D'an and the Modal Nodes, the band who are playing on stage at the time of the incident, are set to be replaced by Take That. Unfortunately, Robbie will not be joining the other lads on set.

The Sand People, or Tusken Raiders, will be transformed into desert dwelling pikey's, clothed in shell suits, and their base camps replete with caravans and lurcher's set for hare coursing.

In the update of Episode IV: Return Of The Jedi, the Max Rebo Band who play in Jabba The Hutt's palace will be replaced by a group of contestants chosen initially by Simon Cowell, and then voted for upon the films release date, by the general public.

Cuts will also be made to some episodes, in a bid to bring the saga in to line with current politically correct views.

The scene in which Han Solo slices open a Tauntaun, in an attempt to bring warmth to a close to death Luke on the planet Hoth, is to be cut. It has been deemed non-pc by a panel of judges.

PETA have also got involved and condemned the footage. Although the Tauntaun was already dead in the scene, and it is a mythical creature, campaigners still fought for the rights of the beast, and won.

Also for the chop is any scene featuring the massively hated Gungan, Jar Jar Binks.

Lucas has bowed to fan pressure, and finally removed the annoying and pointless character from any scripts.

How Lucas plans to fill this void is strictly under wraps, although Jedward have worryingly been seen in the vicinity of the re-recording studios lately.

Watch this space.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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