Tonight's X-Factor final: Sources relate that comedy croaker Matt Cardle has disappeared so far up his own arse that he has intimated that if international superstar Rihanna doesn't pull her finger out in tonight's final, he'll be giving her a slap in the face.
Just to remember him by.
Sex maniac (by all accounts) Matt, a painter and decorator who actually attended a £15k a year school has reportedly been suffering with a cold and a spot of laryngitis, and has hinted that he may not even be able to sing in the 'live' final.
SEN supremo, Buffty Ginslinger stated that:
"He couldn't fucking sing in the previous rounds! The bloke's a twat if you ask me. First he had that silly fucking hat, then he started twanging tunelessly on a guitar, going on like he was fucking Bob Dylan or something, and now there are reports of him having sex with staffers in his dressing room. No wonder the fucker looks frazzled."
Matt remains favourite to win the competition, although Scouse lass Rebecca Ferguson remains a much fancied dark horse.
More as we get it.