Written by P.M. Wortham
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Wednesday, 8 December 2010

image for Kate Gosselin Stars in Spike Lee's 'Nutcracker' on Broadway
Kate Gosselin Stars in Spike Lee's Urban Christmas Fantasy, "The Nutcracker"

Taking advantage of Ms. Gosselin's epic dancing ability and her success at emasculating former partners, Spike Lee has rewritten the classic Christmas Ballet to reflect the trials and tribulations of a modern day single mother with eight kids, trying to lead a normal social life. Lee's new vision for The Nutcracker will open on Broadway this Friday, just in time for the Holidays

Not necessarily something you might want to bring your kids to, the updated musical very loosely follows the Nutcracker story line, and by loosely we mean Kate has an argument scene with a new beau, by wielding a classic Maple Nutcracker then kicking him in the chestnuts. "Now there's a pair that probably felt like they were roasting by an open fire", says art director Timmy Farnswallow. "There have been a few rehearsals where she didn't hold back and accidentally caught our actor square in the sensitives".

Spike Lee's personal assistant, LeBron Williams, was also cast as an extra on stage during several alley scenes. "We usually stay out of that home girl's way on set and off", says Williams. "And those are her good days. Spike likes to capture that intensity and work it into the role. She doesn't seem to have a problem acting the part of a complete and total beeotch".

During what would have been the traditional mouse and mouse king Nutcracker scenes, Lee used modern day interpretation to engage the vermin with automatic weapons, props of course, with fantastic exploding effects when each mouse costume is shot. "It's quite gripping drama", says Farnswallow. "Here's a modern day heroic mother, protecting her kids from a mouse infestation with two Gatling guns strapped to her arms. This with a soft snowfall visible through a large picture window, juxtaposing peace and tranquility against utter violence. It brought a tear to my eye".

And so will ticket prices. After paying royalties for the use of the Nutcracker name, Lee's stage vision and special effects costs have surpassed Spiderman and hold the new record for the most expensive Broadway production ever. "But it's worth it to see an iconic American Woman bust some balls while looking for love. It's so true to life", says Williams. "At least it is for her". Matinee Ticket prices for the Nutcracker start at $325 for an upper mezzanine seat. A nutcracker all unto itself.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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