Written by Neil Levine
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Topics: Hollywood, New York

Saturday, 6 August 2005

Hollywood, Paris, Vegas, New York and Anywhere There Is A Hilton---Kathy Hilton, the alleged den mother to Paris, Nicky and Nicole, the all hearty party girls and media role models, and the gracious hostess to corporate moguls from all over and full time media personality in her own right, has gone public with the secret to her success and what it takes to be a mother to fashionable triplets.


"I'm so busy with my show "You Can Be A Hilton, Just Ask Nicely" and the social obligations I have to attend to either in person or through video conference that I have lost track of what my triplets, as I call them, are doing. I don't have time to perform a bed check or ask where they've been or who they are with or what they think they are involved in."


"Where are they?" she asks. "Hollywood? London? The Riviera? Paris? What are they wearing? What are they doing now? So long as it's not silly and I don't have to make a desk appearance. That is really annoying. Those booking agents are always all business: Name. Number. License plate. Photo ID. That sort of thing."


"Although the new television season certainly gives the girls an opportunity to show off their better sides."


"Those girls! When will they ever learn?"


"They're not eating right. You can't eat three squares and look as thin as a rake. Let me tell you. They're not dressing to kill and their sense of humor has become more Hollywood cheek than sweet debutante. It's not the fashionable way to go."


"I'm going to have to talk to them and make sure they get to bed before noon and make appointments within a day or two."


"At least I know they're shopping right. And who do you think taught them how to shop? Where did they learn the value of top notch brand names? From me! Only the best. The most expensive. The biggest names. No small packages either."


"Some of their friends do worry me though. The way they smoke those strange cigarettes and all those tattoos in the wrong places and piercings where you can and cannot see them. Will the comings and goings ever cease and desist? Oh, the endless traffic through the kitchen and the things I find stuffed inside the sofa. You cannot possibly imagine!"


"They don't mean to appear spoiled. But I never denied any of the girls a luxury that could be bought, borrowed or replaced. Now that they're on for a fourth season, of course, the hijinks should continue unabated and if you can't wait until the new season gets under way, don't forget you can watch My Show, Tuesday at 9pm (EDT) on NBC and catch the girls on cable. Just check your local listings. Don't forget all us Hilton girls are totally irrepressible! Just like Me. Natch!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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