Written by Skoob1999
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Wednesday, 8 December 2010

image for "Ellie Goulding Wants Shooting" Says Jazz Diva Anne Shuttlecock
Anne Shuttlecock Does Not Have Access To One Of These - Thank God!

Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, was apparently looking forward to a day of relaxation following four days of traumatic twelve hour shifts at work, but alas it was not to be.

As the recalcitrant curmudgeon popped his first beer of the day, long suffering wife, Anne, (who was getting ready to work the 2-10 late shift) turned the telly over from Sky News to the ITV lunchtime staple - Loose Women.

All appeared to be going well - even when that Geordie woman* who used to be on Coronation Street and is married in real life to Dennis out of Auf Wiedersehen Pet started banging on for the umpteenth time about an extra-marital sex affair she once had.

Whatever Anne Shuttlecock's feelings were on this issue remain unknown, as she maintained a dignified silence as she slapped her make-up on with a trowel.

A disinterested Martin Shuttlecock hardly noticed that Ellie Goulding was being interviewed by the Loose Women until she went off to the side to perform her version of that song 'Your Song' which was originally written and performed by that gay bloke with the glasses and the big shoes, who's embroiled in a civil union with David Furnish.

Or somebody.

Anne Shuttlecock asked Martin what his thoughts were on the performance. Fearing that she may beat him up with a big stick or something similar, Shuttlecock could only shrug noncommitally.

"It's shite!" Anne said.

"Sorry dear? What was that, my little psychobunny?" Shuttlecock enquired.

"This song!" Anne snarled. "She's making a right bollocks of it! It's shite! She wants fucking shooting!"

At which point, Shuttlecock took cover behind the couch and didn't re-emerge until he heard a violent, screeching wheel spin from the Renault Kangoo which confirmed that long suffering wife Anne had indeed departed for work.

"Thank God for that," he groaned. "She scares me when she's angry. She scares me even more when she gets impassioned."

Shuttlecock then settled back to watch Dickinson's Real Deal - in which punters try to flog tat to dodgy antique dealers.

Or take a chance on taking their tat to auction.

Ellie Goulding remained blissfully unaware of developments in the Shuttlecock household.

The gazebo is still dead.

More as we get it.

*Denise Welch - the one out of Loose Women whose name temporarily eluded us.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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