LAS VEGAS - The Entertainment Capital of The World has never before seen so many expensive cowboys hats, cowboy boots, and cowboy wannabees.
Sin City's MGM Grand Dragon Garden Arena was the sight of the 1st Annual American Country Awards Show. The show was hosted by Trace Adkins, Bubba Adkins' younger cousin.
Appleton Floatpeeker the ACA producer managed to give away more awards in less time than any award show in the history of award shows.
Floatpeeker noted that his association handed out a total of 117 trophies in two hours. He pointed out that it was done using the old conveyor belt method. He stated that he did away with having some cute little svelte gals come out holding the trophies and smiling like they're making a Crest Toothpaste commercial.
Oklahoma native Carrie Underwood captured six trophies including one for The Prettiest Country Music Singer. Carrie said she was honored but confessed that Martina McBride is also very pretty even though she is quite a bit older than her.
Underwood also won The Sexiest Looking Country Music Female Award. She blushed and accepted the award on behalf of sexy looking country girls all over American including those in Arkansas, Arizona and Alaska.
Twenty-year-old Taylor Swift was awarded The Nicest, Sweetest, Most Cuddliest Country Singer Trophy (Female Category). Taylor smiled and looked around as if she was expecting Kanye "The Pest" West to jump up on stage and take away her microphone.
Swift giggled and then remarked somewhat tongue-in-cheek, "Now I know that Beyonce probably deserves this award but the girl don't sing country so I guess I'll just keep it."
The winner of The Shyest Country Music Artist Award went to Kenny Chesney who got up on stage, took the trophy and just smiled, nodded, and left without saying a single word.
The recipients of The Country Band or Duo Who Least Look Like A Country Band or Duo was won by The Zac Brown Band. Brown got up on stage and thanked everyone and wondered where Ryan (Seacrest) and Randy (Jackson) were. Trace Adkins reminded the 'feller' that this was not American Idol.
And Jewel won the award for Country Singer Missing A Last Name. Jewel accepted the award in honor of Cher, Celine, and Barbra, but not Madonna, whom she simply said she cannot stand.
The Oldest Country Artist Award went to Reba McEntire. Adkins asked Reba how old she was. Reba looked at him and replied, "Well let me tell ya sumtin big boy, my age, my weight, and my bra size ain't no business of yours ya hear me you shit kickin varmint?"
Adkins laughed and replied, "73, 156, and 38C."
"Damn you Trace Adkins!" Reba hollered out.
Toby Keith won the trophy for The Country Singer From The Past Who Hates The Dixie Chicks More Than Anyone Else In America. He sauntered up on stage and accepted the award and then said that he heard that the Dixie Chicks were performing at a Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs Day Care Center in Bumble Bee, Arizona.
The award for Country Artist Who Was A Loser On American Idol went to Danny Gokey. He accepted the award on behalf of other forgotten AI losers like Sanjaya Malakar, Allison Iraheta, and Tatiana Del Toro.
And the final award of the night went to Kelli Pickler, another American Idol alumni who won the award for The Country Singer Who Wishes That Carrie Underwood Takes The Next Year Off.
In a related story. Carrie Underwood, who has been married for five months, told Miranda Lambert that her husband Mike Fisher lives in Ottawa, Canada and that she has not seen him since their wedding. She then confided in Miranda that she has actually forgotten what Mike looks like.