Prancing, mincing, flouncing, waspish wag Russell Brand is desperate to eat his own sperm, writes Dick Fidler, Prattling Egomania Correspondent.
In last night's show at the West End Mockney Vampyre Theatre, Brand - who, as well as being a parasitic preening pervert is also a successful comic, ego-promulgator and adolescent narcissist - told a number of shocking anecdotes for five minutes, before devoting the next three hours to being interviewed about his pop singer fiance Katy Perry and the second volume of his memoirs entitled I'm a Wanky Wanker: This Time It's Puerile. The interview was conducted by his old pal and fellow poisonous gobshite Jonathan Toss.
Brand told the audience of urban middle-class nonces that he could hardly wait for Katy to get pregnant. "Then, when she's too far up the Pudding Club to have sex with me, I can wank myself stupid. I'll be able to quaff me own cum, eat me own ejaculate, sup me own sperm. At last, my seed will be my own self-offering!"
He told the sycophantic lickspittle Toss that "Katy doesn't mind, which bodes well for the pregnancy and my self abuse satiation."
"I also want to drink Katy's breast milk", he told Toss, who was pretending to masturbate by this time. "I once went out with a Great Dane bitch who'd just had a huge litter", he prattled, as he ponced about in his PVC pantaloons like a poovey pirate and the pretend audience pretended to gasp in mock amazement at his audacious acrobatics of acid witticism. "She used to love it when I drank her milk fresh from the teat.
"I always yearned to suck direct from her dugs", he simpered sibilantly, "I lusted after her lactating dog nipples.
"I intend to slake my thirst on Katy's equally rough-textured titties. If she won't let me do it, I shall hie me to Lady Gaga, and feast on her raspberry ripples."
And Brand also had Jonathan Toss in a paroxysm of pseudo-protestations when he said he might just ditch women altogether.
"I've half a mind to leave women alone altogether", he nanced, staring at himself in the full-length mirrors that lined the back of the Mockney Vampyre stage set. "Oh, sometimes, Jonathan, I hanker, I really do, I hunger for my own lithe and luscious libidinous form.
"I've a yen to sip at my own urine in a champagne flute, while I feast upon my freshly-defecated faeces with the finest of cutleries.
"Oh, the ecstacy of it all, but it will probably remain but a pipedream. I am, after all, simply too good to eat", Brand concluded, amid a cacophany of canned catcalls from the stuffed audience of waxwork wankers, as effies of Andrew Sachs and his grand-daughter Georgina Baillie were dragged across the stage, to be pursued by Brand and Toss wearing giant strap-on phalluses.
How the recording of an audience howled.