Written by Erskin Quint
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Friday, 3 December 2010

image for Kristen Stewart Furious At Nude Lesbian Barbie Calendar
Next Year's Nude Apotemnophiliac Barbie Calendar Is Unlikely To See The Light Of Day Now

A controversial Nude Lesbian Barbie Calendar created by an Argentine artist duo has fired the ire of Twilight starlet Kristen Stewart, writes Val Cano, Prepostorous Recycling For Cash Correspondent.

Kristen's ire was fired in England, where she has been staying with her friend and fellow febrile childe-vampyre, Robert Pattinson, at their bohemian apartment near Much Wenlock, Shropshire, to recuperate after some hard days of filming the latest Twilight movie on location in Albania, near Lake Ohrid.

This was a particularly exhausting time for the preternatural pair for two reasons.

Firstly, Robert developed an unhealthy interest in the living fossils that are reputed to inhabit the locale of Ohrid, one of Europe's oldest and, even more fascinatingly, one of its deepest, lakes.

"Robert became obsessed", explained Manitoba Lake, of Celebrity Mucus Magazine. "He wouldn't let it go. Kristen just wanted some quality time in between shoots, to chill and cultivate her trademark constipation chic look. You know, lounging and hanging in the toilet with anti-diarrhoea medication for her bowels and 18th century arsenic face paint to bleach her sullenly pouting sulky features. But Robert just kept dragging her on hikes. He wanted to spot every one of the region's 200 Living Fossils such as the scaly hen and the sabre-toothed dormouse. Not to mention the smooth-billed water pigeon. Oops, too late!

"Rob had this thing that he thought was cool for them to be, like. So cool of a concept for them to, like, be, so Rob conceptualised. So cool for them, to be, like, so, like, cool of a concept to be for them, like, to be.

"Rob thought it'd be pretty cool of a kind of, like, unique concept, for them to, like, be living fossils themselves, since they are two timelessly entwined Twilight twins, and their love is uniquely undying like the vampyres victorious over vanquishing time that they so utterly are. It drove Kristen crazy when all she wanted was some quiet quality constipation time."

The second reason that this was a particulary exhausting time for Robert and Kristen, was Norman Wisdom. "What?" you cry, gentle reader. "How can poor, dead, Norman Wisdom, much-loved slapstick comedian, have contributed to the tiredness of the world's favourite vampyre lovers? How indeed. Charge your pipes and let me tell you a tale.

Or rather, let Archie Pelago, possessor of New Zealand's most comprehensive collection of 17th Century Turkish Filigree Eunuch's Spittoons, former Wombat-handler for Tasmania's favourite Bingo-Caller Alf 'Saliva' Twatcase and President of the Wellington Wool Club - allow Archie Pelago to spin you a yarn, I say. I have yet to fathom the connection between this Doyen of Arcane Antipodean Artifact and Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, but he has something to say on the subject, and who shall say him nay?

Are your pipes now charged? Good. Then we can proceed. Archie Pelago - who is also, it transpires, to boot, an afficionado of chains of islands - told me, from his Wainuiomata home, how Norman Wisdom had tired Robert and Kristen out.

"Well, it was like this", Archie began. "This is the way it happened." And he went on to tell me what occurred. "So that's why Norman Wisdom exhausted Robert and Kristen", he concluded, after he had told me what happened.

What happened, you see, was that Kristen - in an attempt to rouse Robert from his Living Fossil Fantasies - booked he and her on a day trip to the Albanian capital Tirana. Unfortunately, when they were there, they were mistaken for Ordinary British People by the Albanians, and suffered much in the way of being accosted, with cries of "Hey, Master Grimsdale, my trouser are short!", "Do not laugh, I sing like a fool!" and "Fall Over Mr Pitkin!"

This is a fair summary of what Archie Pelago told me. I am unable to report his report verbatim, as he is, as I discovered during our conversation, an exponent of the Ancient Thracian art of Sbzgmegma, a form of dialogue in which one participant reports and the other, the reportee, has to precis the report, being careful not to use more than 12.67% of the vocabulary used by the reporter. Apparently, my summary here is good enough to earn me the accolade of being a dimmerax, or so Archie assured me!

So, what has all this to do with Kristen Stewart's antipathy to a certain Nude Lesbian Barbie Calendar? Allow Manitoba Lake to take up the thread once again.

"After their Tirana trauma, Robert and Kristen fled to the remote resort of Zlzaljit on the Adriatic Coast, where they found a lovely, back-to-basics apartment with coastal views.

"There they rediscovered the joy of just being together, with nothing in their minds but the happiness of being a pair of mindless ersatz vampyre children with money to burn. There they found an oasis of happiness. Robert was able to forget about Living Fossils, and to spend his time helping Kristen to perfect her blocked-up beauty, her constipated cool.

"And so they returned to England, after the shooting was done, and all seemed well.

"Until, that is, Robert developed a new obsession. For he spotted the shocking Nude Lesbian Barbie Calendar on the internet. In no time at all, he had contacted the Argentine artists - Diego Diego and Jorge Gaucho - and obtained a copy of the calendar."

The calendar features Barbie, totally nude or almost nude, in a variety of provocative poses, and, what is even more sensationally sexually sensational, Barbie is depicted in intimate Lesbian Lover scenarios with another nude doll. The calendar has clear satirical intentions. "Our calendar has clear satirical intentions", Diego Diego told me yesterday. "We intend the calendar to be clearly satirical", he continued. "The satirical intent, it is clearly intended to be clearly satirical in its intent", he concluded.

But, as Manitoba Lake revealed, this may have been lost on sexy simpleton Robert and sulky self-centered siren Kristen.

"Rob simply adored the Nude Lesbian Barbie Pics in his calendar and - for reasons I am loth to even think about - decided to keep his calendar in the mock-Byronic bathroom of their Much Wenlock bohemian apartment.

"It was evening. Robert was langorously, limpidly lounging on the mock-rococo chaise longue smoking Park Drive cigarettes and looking vampishly vacant.

"He was shocked out of his langour by Kristen, who was screaming in the bathroom, where - having repaired there, to enjoy a jolly good pout and preen, followed by an ashen-faced bout of futile straining on the toilet - she had been confronted by the sight of Nude Lesbian Barbie Pictures in the calendar which Rob had left hanging on the Thomas de Quincey Toilet-Roll Holder.

"Kristen's peace was shattered. How could she concentrate on constipation chic, when her distraught gaze was met by a myriad of Nude Lesbian Barbie Posturing Pictures?

"As she told Robert, while she was filling her overnight bag with bondage gear in preparation for spending the weekend with their neighbour, Lesbian dominatrix farmer Myfanywy Clitburglar, 'There's only room for one posturing doll in our mock-Byronic bathroom'. This was the mother of all sulks, and Myfanywy Clitburglar stood to reap the benefits, while Robert was set to pay a high price indeed for his latest obsession.

"Will Rob ever learn? I wouldn't bet on it. After Kristen had stormed across the Donkey Field to Myfanywy's place, Rob was straight onto the phone, to tell his musician friend and mentor Edmundo Ros, - and, later, Norris McWhirter, the former TV Presenter and 'Book of Records' author who had once assisted Rob and Kristen in their futile search for a pet Eohippus - all about Nude Lesbian Barbie. Rob was more the excited naughty schoolboy than the properly-contrite repentant boy-vampyre. The ice isn't looking like thawing for quite some time, Rob and Kristen-wise", concluded Manitoba Lake, with rather too much of a sardonic edge to her voice, I felt.

And now it seems that Kristen has once again started something big, for the Nude Lesbian Barbie Calendar is making waves elsewhere too, with the Argentine artist errants seemingly set to be hit by a lawsuit from Barbie-makers The Sexual Stereotype Toy Company.

Kristen Stewart, as ever, is in the vampyre-vanguard when it comes to things zeitgeist-wise, that's for sure!

Make Erskin Quint's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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