HOLLYWOOD - Simon Cowell, the man with the Midas touch, has just signed the attractively sexy British singer Cheryl Cole to be one of the judges on his new American version of X-Factor.
Cole was given a contract which will pay her $4.7 million [£3 million U.K.]
The show will premier in 2011 and Cowell has stated publicly, privately, and to himself, that his new show will kick the daylights out of his old show American Idol.
Cowell says that he especially wants to kick Randy "The Black Dawg" Jackson's butt because for the last three seasons of American Idol all Jackson would ever say about a singer was that he or she was pitchy.
Simon said that he should have fired "The Black Dawg" and replaced him with Andy Dick, a skinny Caucasian who is ugly as hell but who would never use the gay black word pitchy.
The Englishman who is known as the "Sultan of Sarcasm" among a half dozen other nicknames said that his number one goal was to sign Cole.
He said that he had talked at length with Cheryl's American boyfriend, Derek Hough, the winner of this year's edition of Dancing With The Stars, along with his partner Jennifer "The Weeping Willow" Grey.
Cowell said that he told Hough that if he helped to put in the good word with his 'bed mate' that he would see to it that his sister, Julianne Hough, gets herself a very nice recording contract with his record company Royal Rude Dude Records.
Julianne is the girlfriend of Cowell's old fellow American Idol cast mate Ryan Seacrest. Simon laughed and said that he wants everyone to know that there is no incest involved unless of course he finds out that Paula (Abdul) is a long lost cousin.
The "Viceroy of Venom" promises that his new show will educate, stimulate, and titillate.
Cheryl Cole is said to be thrilled beyond belief because her "Dancing Dude" boyfriend has just given her, her own key to his Hollywood Hills mansion, Casa Cha Cha Cha.
In other news. Sarah Palin was asked by a reporter for The Tinsel Town Times Tribune if she knows the difference between the North Pole and the South Pole. She smiled and replied "You betcha. The North Pole has tons and tons of ice and the South Pole also has tons of tons of ice but ya know by golly it's much whiter and much heavier."