Written by Skoob1999
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Wednesday, 1 December 2010

image for Car 54 Gets APB On Missing Spoof Writers Colonel Juan And Lynton
Martin Shuttlecock - Missing His Mates Yesterday

There's a hold up in The Bronx, Brooklyn's broken out in fights. There's a traffic jam in Harlem that's backed up to Jackson Heights, there's a scout troop short a child, Kruschov's due in Eidelwild...

But car 54 doesn't care about any of that.

Car 54 has been despatched to Europe on a mission to find missing Spoof superstars, Colonel Juan and his mysterious sidekick, Lynton.

Ably supported by superstar FBI profiler, Inspector Morse, who once smelled a rat on Tothill Street in the shadow of New Scotland Yard, whilst in the company of Spoof royalty.

So where are CJ and Lynton?

Nobody knows. So Skoob Entertainment News's very own Buffty Ginslinger asked Queen Mudder, who knows everything about everything, and then some (but not in a gay lesbianite way)

"I have no idea," QM admitted. "But they are sorely missed. CJ's 'nude' headlines have been somewhat scarce lately, as have Lynton's in depth analyses of the works of Voltaire and Groucho Marx. And the Goodies. Yum yum. Apparently they were last seen in Winchester on Friday the 13th with that dodgy bastard, Shuttlecock. I reckon he's kidnapped 'em and chained 'em up in a dank cellar, forcing them to pen Spoofs in his name. That's how the bugger stays in the chart. In real life, he's about as funny as third degree burns. Boring as arseholes he is."

Inspector Morse told SEN that he intends to open his investigation from the Isle of Wight. For some obscure reason. He told us:

"I could have started in London, but there are too many pointy blue shoe wearing puffters there for my liking. Not to mention mad bastards who walk into lamp posts and spend the following four months telling the world all about it. Bolivian Generals and French speaking chemists, I've shit 'em. Har!"

SEN confronted Martin Shuttlecock in a dramatic dawn doorstep operation, and asked directly, with no pissing about, if he had, in fact abducted CJ and Lynton?

"Don't talk fucking stupid," Shuttlecock told Buffty Ginslinger. "I couldn't possibly kidnap CJ and Lynton - too much of a bloody handful those two. I expect CJ's wreaking havoc somewhere or other, as is his wont, and Lynton's probably doing Toulouse Lautrec impressions in a pub in Place De Clichy, in that Paris. Near Montmartre. In the shadow of that Sacre Bleu church thing. The one with the merry go round and a zillion fucking steps.

"I haven't seen them, and that's the truth. I'd welcome the buggers back with open arms. I do have Monkey Woods, Duncan Whitehead, and some nutjob Jesuit named Francois DuBois SJ chained to a radiator in the cellar, but frankly, they don't amount to much. I'm open to offers for that bloody shower."

The final word goes to Buffty Ginslinger:

"Arseholes!" he shouted from a cardboard box underneath the arches by Waterloo station.

Indeed.

Less as we don't get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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