Written by TomFoolery
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Wednesday, 27 July 2005

image for Michael Jackson vs. Michael Jackson
Jackson: If thy left hand offend thee...

Hollywood, California--Pop legend and world icon Michael Jackson, still recovering from his closest brush yet with the prospect of doing time, has shocked fans and family alike by his latest antic: he's taking himself to court. Yes, Michael Jackson is suing himself.

Wracked with guilt and humiliation, Jackson had hoped his most recent legal battle would have allowed his lifetime of self-abuse to remain hidden. But he became overwhelmed by the demons within him. In what can only be termed a battle between good and evil, Jackson freely admits his left hand (shown in photo) didn't know and couldn't control what his right hand was doing.

So, seeking justice once and for all for his tormented soul, redemption for his tarnished reputation and absolution from his faithful followers, Jackson dragged himself into court to charge himself and to demand a speedy trial. It has yet to be determined whether Jackson wants to charge himself as a juvenile or an adult. So far, odds are running about 50-50, so it's anybody's guess at this point. Best advice would be to just keep your money and let this circus play itself out.

This is the first known litigation where the plaintiff and the defendant are one and the same. It places Jackson in a most precarious position. He must attempt to defend himself against himself. Legal analysts around the world are focused on this as evidence of the evolution of American justice.

Jackson, known for his customary wave to the throngs of onlookers always in his midst, kept his hands lodged deeply in his pants pockets as he was whisked from the Los Angeles County Courthouse where he had brought charges against himself. Judging from the cryptic expression on his face, it was difficult to tell whether Michael was pleased for standing up for himself, or plainly dejected over having exposed himself in such a dreadful manner.

The Reverend Jesse Jackson has offered to testify on Jackson's behalf, but refused to divulge on which side of the courtroom he would be sitting.

In what may be one of the most telling aspects of this extraordinary case, the mystery of the one red glove becomes abundantly clear: Jackson was merely trying to hide his shame by covering the offending hand.

Though no court date has yet been announced, watch your local TV listings, because you know the world will stop and stand still for this earth-shaking event.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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