LOS ANGELES - Comedian Joan Rivers, who claims to be 77, but who some media reporters say might actually be 87, recently found herself in the X-ray scanner line at L.A.'s LAX Airport.
Rivers apparently set off the scanner and she was immediately requested to step over to the area known as pat down central.
She was told that she would have to submit to having her muffin touched, caressed, and groped but she was assured that it was all strictly in the interest of national airport security.
Rivers smiled and asked if they expected her to have to pay extra for that service. She was guaranteed by the pat down inspector Dante Dwight Whiffenhouse, 35, that the "PD" was already included in the purchase price of her ticket.
The comedienne asked is she could be given a magazine and a cigarette during the procedure. She was told that she could not have a cigarette but that they would find a magazine for her to read during the crotch inspection.
TSA pat down officer Whiffenhouse told Rivers that he had admired her work and that he had seen her movies Rabbit Test and the sequel Squirrel Testicles at least half a dozen times each.
Whiffenhouse explained to Rivers exactly what he would be doing and that it would all be done while wearing blue latex gloves. Joan smiled and told him that he really didn't have to wear the gloves if he didn't want to. She then winked and gave him a fist bump.
Whiffenhouse winked back and told her that the whole process would probably take about two minutes. Rivers smiled and replied, "Hey, two minutes, fifteen minutes, whatever it takes."
After Rivers had been patted down, she put her bra and panties back on. She thanked the agent for being gentle and she handed him a $20 bill as a tip.
SIDENOTE: Pat down agent Dante Dwight Whiffenhouse confessed off the record that since the pat down procedure first went into effect that he has averaged about $65 a day in tips. He winked and added that for some reason women are far better tippers than men.