Wagner will be deported and that is the end of the matter, the UK Home Secretary is reported to have decided.
Under the UK governments latest version of a hastily arranged immigration policy, excuses have been cobbled together and the Brazilian cannot legally remain in the UK.
The Home Secretary allegedly took time out to watch Wagner murdering some Beatles songs last Saturday and declared there and then - get rid of him.
Accordingly, Home Office officials applied several tests which the luckless Wagner failed.
These tests were:
Does he have skills and knowledge which are difficult to find in the UK? - fail
Will the UK economy suffer if he is not allowed to stay in the country? - fail
Does he assist the UK economy? - qualified pass as he adds income to the UK telecom industry
Can his unique talents be found anywhere else in the UK? - damn, another pass, no one else quite so bad but we are looking
Does he claim Welfare Benefits? - fail, this must be illegal
Does any judge like him? - fail, Cowell, Cole and Minogue hate the guy. Walsh, he's Irish, his judgement is impaired by events in Ireland
Does the Home Secretary like him? - Noooooooooooooooo! fail
Does the PM like him? - pass, he hired him for the kids Halloween Party, kids slowly recovering but PTSD will take longer to resolve (but the PM has questionable tastes in who he supports and employs)
Does he dislike people who live in Council Houses? - big big pass, the Tories don't like chavs either.
It can be revealed that Mr Carillho will be deported after the votes are fiddled with and he gets chucked off the X Factor this Saturday. A twatter campaign has already begun to save him from this inevitable fate.
Rachel to win.