Written by Erskin Quint
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Tuesday, 23 November 2010

image for Nude Wicker Man Star Britt Ekland Confesses To "I'm A Celebrity" Camp: 'Larry Grayson Tried To Woo Me With a Haddock'
What A Gay Day! An Elk In An Airing Cupboard, Yesterday.

Shagged-out Swedish ex sex-pot Britt Ekland, who was almost famous for a kinky nude scene in cult British horror movie The Wicker Man, and was one of Rod Stewart's token blondes after he lost his mojo and became a strutting playboy purveyor of pop pap, has shocked her I'm A Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here camp colleagues with gory details of her wild-living past, writes Des Javou, Chief Barrel-Scraper.

Haggard, trout-pouted harpy Britt revealed all about how she met her first husband, Larry Grayson - limp-wristed lead in 70s West End hits such as Ahoy There!, Hoist The Jolly Roger! and The Gay Hussar & The Chocolate Soldier - to fellow contestant Wankers Weekly centrefold Barbie "Big Knockers" Bimbo, as they sat side by side at the camp latrines last night.

Britt clearly enjoyed the massive relief of a monster dump. It was plain to see that she felt better after offloading such a mass of noxious excrement. She might have been unable to empty her bowels and relieve her chronic constipation, but at least she had been able to get a ton of toxic tittle-tattle off her mind.

Britt spoke to Barbi Bimbo, as they strained with knickers around their ankles, and listened to the sinister sounds of the raw jungle at night - Ant & Dec making jokes about the size of each others' foreheads, Linford Christie bullying Pantomime ex-Liberal MP Limpet Toothpick, whimpering rabbit-woman Silly-Anne Buckteeth running away from her own shadow, and Shaun Ryder biting the heads off aborigines and claiming they tasted like chicken tikka.

Britt explained how she met Grayson in a Dorchester hotel and passed out after being introduced to a smoked haddock and a bottle of Wincarnis by the fame-crazed mincing megastar.

"My first husband was a homosexual", Britt told Barbie Bimbo, in between groaning with the effort to move her reluctant bowels. "He saw a picture of an elk in a page from the Dorchester Telegraph & Argus while he was masturbating to photographs of Anthony Newley and Terence Stamp in an airing cupboard, fell in love with the elk, and became obsessed with me when I arrived at the same hotel in Dorchester.

"You see, they flew me from my home in the village of Uppskjarsse to England. I was the next starlet for Ealing Studios. They said I would be leading lady for Arthur Askey. I thought I would stay at The Dorchester, but they put me in another airing cupboard in a hotel in Dorchester.

"Larry Grayson was staying on the next floor. He was playing at the Dorchester Alhambra in Cock-A-Hoop! with Jeremy Thorpe and Lord Boothby.

"I did a press conference, photographed nude like Lady Godiva astride a stuffed moose. Larry saw the pictures and, when he found out I was staying in a cupboard like the one he had masturbated in, he sent his friends, Everard and Slack Alice and Apricot Lil to ask me to join him for a drink.

"When I went up to his suite, he explained how it was the combination of the moose, the cupboard, and my surname's resemblance to the sound of 'Elk' that made him so obsessed with me, even though he was a confirmed homosexual, I was a girl, and a moose is not quite an elk, or vice versa, as he put it.

"We had a drink of Wincarnis. I had never tasted anything like it. We did not have such things in Uppskjarsse, only the nettle wines. It went to my head.

"He took me to the cinema. He drove me to the Dorchester Odeon in his motorcycle and sidecar. I was star-struck and fell head-over-heels. We watched a movie called Feeling Rather Queer Up The Poop Deck, which he was in. I was impressed because we didn't have to pay to get in.

"Afterwards, we went back in the motorcycle and sidecar to the hotel. Everybody smoked in those days. I lit up a Capstan full strength. He said 'do you smoke, Dear Heart?' I said yes, and I'm puffing away and stroking his aspidistra, and he showed me the tallboy his friend Everard had been rubbing down that afternoon.

"Then he said, 'have you ever smoked one of these?', and he handed me a haddock. Well, I knew nothing about such things. In Uppskjarsse, you see, we only had the herring, not the haddock. Larry explained that he had learned about the smoked haddock from a friend in the Black Watch, who he called Jock "The Kilt" McShagnasty, who he said was an expert at tossing the caber and a haggis farmer. This man had also showed Larry 'what a Sctosman wears under his kilt'.

"I was shocked but also excited. I had a few glasses of Wincarnis, and in no time I was nude and smoking the haddock. I don't remember anything more. I remember him taking me into the linen cupboard, and there was a picture of an elk and another haddock, and that's it.

"I woke up the next morning in my own cupboard dressed in Larry's kimono. The cupboard was full of haddocks and there was a book about The Majestic Elk which had pictures of nude eskimo men in it.

"There was a note from Larry. It said 'Look at the muck in here. What a gay day! I'm off to Littlehampton to do "Trouble Below Decks" at the Lyceum. Dorchester can kiss my astrakhan coat! Heigh-ho. Larry.'

"In a month we were married. It lasted 6 months. It was the haddocks. There are only so many haddocks a girl can stand."

Jungle contestant Dum Rolypoly told the Bush Telegraph yesterday: "I was thinking, Britt Ekland, you know. Rod Stewart, you know. And I'm such a smug twat. But I love her, she's amazing. She's really smart, which I didn't expect. I thought she'd be a washed-up old harridan, but she's really amazing and smart. You know, she's really smart, which I didn't expect. And me such a smug twat. Get that insect away from me Nanny! And me, being, you know, amazing, and a smug oily twat, such a twat, I thought, Britt Ekland. You know? But I really love her, she's amazing, and so smart, which I didn't expect. And for God's sake, she was married to Larry Grayson! It's incredible. She's so amazing, and I'm so amazing and a real twat. It's incredible. Help, there are ants in here, where's my Nanny?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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