Ludicrous bloated old queen Elton John, 78, is set to play solo on the Isle of White, on 16 June next year, writes Min Singe-Lymprist, Pantomime Dame Correspondent.
The announcement by Elton's camp manager Everard Tallboy was issued to the media yesterday.
The limp-wristed ageing snapdragon is due to play with himself in a number of unusual and isolated UK locations next year.
Elton, 82, is currently in Tangiers on a Mincing & Flouncing For Raddled Old Widow Twankey-a-Likes course, and is booked on a Creative Masturbation & Ego-Cultivation weekend in Los Angeles when that is over.
The Isle of Wight will be the only place where the antediluvian prima-donna with the terrifying ginger toupe, who resembles Eddie Izzard's Transgendered Maiden Aunt on Acid in the village production of the Rocky Horror Show, will play with himself alone.
The other performances - in Hurstpierpoint, Blaenau Ffestiniog, Knaresborough, Cromarty and Budleigh Salterton - will see Elton, 84, play with himself in front of the band as usual. "In these performances, Elton, 87, will begin by playing with himself in front of the band," explained Elton's aspidistra, distemper and hosiery manager Ivor Harden. Then, the band will play with themselves in front of Elton, 91. Finally, the final finale of the performances will see the Rocket Man stimulate himself as he plays himself to a climax while his band also play with themselves to a collective band climax, at the same time as Elton, 93, and his band, also play with each other to multiple crescendos. These will be truly seminal scenes."
The Isle of White performance, however, will see the solo ugly sister do his stuff quite alone. "Elton, 96, has secured a room for a week at the Three Strangled Bishops pub in Brighstone", Everard Tallboy told me yesterday. "It turns out that his Uncle Johnny John stayed there on holiday in the 1960s, so the place has especial significance for Elton, 97."
As well as having a nostalgic charge for slap-plastered old plonker Elton, 98, this arrangement is great news for the Isle of Wight.
Back of the Wight tourism officer Irma Van Kerr was quite gushing about the prospect, yesterday. "This is a fantastic coup for Brighstone, Back of the Wight, and indeed the Isle in general", she ejaculated late yesterday. "To have a mega-dame like Elton John, 99, playing with himself in our locality can only be a boon.
Landlord of the Three Strangled Bishops, Willie Pullein, was excited at the prospect. "We are really excited", he spouted very late yesterday. "Even the chambermaid can hardly wait to wash Elton's sheets. We know all about his Uncle Johnny John. He came here in 1965 and again in '67, in his yellow Ford Anglia, and spent his days visiting our island obelisks, such as St Catherine's Oratory (The Pepper Pot), the Tennyson Monument at Freshwater and the Longstone at Mottistone.
"After a hard day looking at all these ancient erections, Johnny John liked nothing better than a hot bath and some quiet time in his room playing with himself. He enjoyed a game of patience and also played the harmonica, and loved to play with himself of an evening.
"We are all looking forward to Elton, 102, carrying on this family tradition."
Irma Van Kerr summed up the true significance of the visit for the Isle of Wight. "Not since Queen Victoria and Prince Albert last graced Osborne House has the Isle of Wight accommodated such an old Queen playing with herself night after night on her own in her bedroom."
The last word goes to Everard Tallboy. "For Elton to revisit and confront these old family memories in this very public and open way shows the real class of the man. Elton is clearly a man of huge spunk."