Hollywood, CA-- Actress Kirstie Alley had to endure a 12-hour pat down and body search at the airport last night because of her excessive weight. The 10-ton star was unable to fit into any of the body scanners and was required to submit to an 'enhanced' body search. The TSA officer who searched Kirstie suffered a nervous breakdown during the ordeal and was committed to a mental hospital.
Kirstie's problems began when she was unable to squeeze into a scanning booth at the security checkpoint. The shapeless blob could only squeeze one leg into the booth. This set off alarms with the TSA, and Kirstie was taken away for some special treatment.
The TSA officer first explained to the elephantine Kirstie that she would have to look under all her folds of skin. The officer then examined each layer of fat on Kirstie, beginning with her bloated fingertips.
Layers and layers of human skin bursting with fat greeted the TSA officer's eyes. Mounds of rolling, greasy flesh spilled out all over the floor. Gobs of buttery, sweaty fat flowed off of Kirstie's body. The TSA officer began vomiting from the stench and the extreme horror of it all.
After one hour, the search of Kirstie's fingertips was completed. The officer did find some things of interested. They included two sets of keys, forty spoons, and about $86.00 in spare change.
The revolting search of Kirstie's massive body continued on for many hours. The entire search turned out to be pointless. The airplane couldn't take-off because of Kirstie's enormous weight!