Hollywood, CA--As the final week of competition on ABC's hit reality show "Dancing With the Stars" draws near, many fans have been heard to cry conspiracy in response to Bristol Palin's inexplicable staying power. The show's own professional blonde phenom, Derek Hough, confirms that there most definitely is a conspiracy brewing behind the show's sequined curtains, but it's far more diabolical than just a bass-ackwards way of making Sarah Palin president.
"I figure it's just time to come out with it, you know?" said the dancer in an interview Thursday. "I've spent three years on that show and it's time to get the ball rolling. A lot of people have told me that they just can't see this kind of thing coming from me, but that's just because the distractions I put in place worked so well." (Laughs lightheartedly)
Hough went on to state that he's been considering taking over the world for a long time, and that it's been a dream he's had since he began dancing.
"I really started to realize my true potential for what magicians call "misdirection" when I was fourteen. I began to dance for the security guards in front of a department store while some friends of mine walked out the front door with three carts full of merchandise. The guards didn't even notice what was going on because they were so mesmerized by my footwork. That's when I knew that anything was possible through the art of dancing, I just had to put my mind to it and think of a way to use my powers in a big way. So when I was asked to be a dancer on Dancing With the Stars, I knew what I had to do and jumped right on the opportunity."
The 25-year-old Utah native described how he secretly amassed power through unquestioning viewer loyalty during the progression of the show.
"The idea wasn't to win every season, but to create a following by broadcasting subliminal messages over the audio tracks of the songs my partner and I would dance to. Like I said, magicians call it misdirection. While people were focused on my hips doing one thing, they were completely unaware of what was happening in the background!" (Laughs) "It was all so perfect, and no one ever suspected me because I always made a point of being real obvious on camera. Whenever I was onscreen I would jump up and down or get a deer-in-the-headlights look on my face or suddenly pop into frame for no reason at all, and people would think I was just being goofy."
But just exactly how was Hough planning to use his zombie fanbase to blindside planet Earth? The answer, he says, is simple.
"Once Jennifer [Grey] and I win the competition, it'll finally be time to put the rest of my plan into action. When the season's over and we're making the rounds through the talk show circuit, I'll air all the advertisements for the products I'll be putting out. There'll be a little bit of everything on the market with the Derek Hough label, from cereal to energy drinks to Hough: the Fragrance For Men. I've even designed my own line of clothing based on the costumes I've worn on the show! Anyone who's seen me dance and heard the subliminal messages will be compelled to buy my products, and soon everyone will be walking around looking and even smelling like me!"
And once that happens, the dancer said, it's only a matter of time until people are susceptible to his every command.
"I haven't actually thought about what I'm going to do with the world once it's mine, but it will probably involve dancing." (Shrugs)
When asked if he was worried that revealing the details of his plan like a James Bond villain would alert the population, he just smiled wide and reminded us of the method in which he'll dominate the world in the first place.
"People can't take their eyes off me when I dance, even if they don't like me. I mean seriously, a few months ago I demolished an entire house just by dancing in it. How could anyone doubt my power?"
And how exactly does Bristol Palin fit into all of this?
"Bristol is just another part of the misdirection. While everyone is worried that she's going to win Dancing With the Stars via some nationwide network of ultra-conservative, Palin-For-President Tea Party-Goers e-mailing each other to vote for Bristol, I'm making sure that the millions of people who tune in every week hear my subliminal messages and buy my products. I mean come on, I am a choreographer after all!"