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Thursday, 18 November 2010

image for Ryan Reynolds, The 2011 People's Sexiest Man, Alleged to be White, Heterosexual
ABOVE: Ryan Reynolds.

People magazine just named Ryan Reynolds its "Sexiest Man Alive" for 2010.

Did You Know??

That Denzel was the only non-white ever selected by People? One African-American, no Latinos. Way to be so evolved, (White) People.

Reynolds, married to about-to-turn-back-into-a-pumpkin Scarlett Johansen, has been outed by many national tabloids as a heterosexual, ending People Magazines 11-year ban on straight Sexiest Men.

"We will not comment on Ryan's sexuality," said a spokesperson. "We have no reason to believe that he is straight, gay, or otherwise, and we, frankly, don't care, as long as every gay man in America buys the 'Sexiest Man' issue.*"

People's Sexiest Men, who have included such suck choices as Harry Hamlin, Sean Connery and (WTF!) Nick Nolte, have often included such incontrovertible hetero men as George Clooney, Tom Cruise and Richard Gere. This is not to say that they won't stretch the boundaries of outlandishness.

"We even selected a black man once, in '96, I think. (1996's Sexiest was Denzel Washington. I mean, not that we'll ever do that again: Not one issue sold south of Maryland. That sucked."

The 39-year-old Canadian Reynolds, who once tragically suffered through a relationship with whiny two-hit-wonder Alanis Morissette, will be disgracing DC Comics in 2011's "Green Lantern", which critics have already labeled a "Level One (Eric Bana As The Hulk)-level sh-tbomb.

* 2010 Nominee for 'Outstanding Comma Use In A Run-on Sentence'.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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