It is reported that the Brazilian star of the X - Factor, Wagner, who has never faced a sing off, is being followed very closely by call me Dave, the PM and Ian Dungpan Smith. Works and Pensions Secretary.
The VIP viewers don't give a toss about the show but are keen to catch Wagner lifting his arm above his shoulder. They have learned that he is reported to be in receipt of Incapacity Benefit as he has a damaged shoulder.
Yet he still manages to whirl and jig himself about a stage, live, watched by untold millions every Saturday.
Call me Dave wants the malingerer caught and has ordered all Wagner's video taped performances be scrutinised by top Harley Street private doctors.
Ian Dungpan Smith is reported to be livid that someone on benefits can flaunt his imperfections so openly.
Call me Dave, allegedly, votes for One Direction, as he is not for turning and the only way is his way. Oh and he wants to get his hands on their supertax receipts when they win and release their Christmas single, "Blue Christmas."
The DSS snoopers are monitoring Wagner very carefully and may have him arrested for singing under false pretences.