Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Tuesday, 16 November 2010

image for Oprah Winfrey Refuses O'Hare 'Pat Down' - "Nobody Gonna Be Touchin' Dis Sista's Hooha"
The Chattanooga bound plane that Oprah Winfrey did not make.

CHICAGO - Talk show host Oprah Winfrey was literally fit to be tied as she found herself smack dab in the middle of the TSA "Pat Down" controversy.

Winfrey had gone to Chicago's O'Hare Airport to take a flight to Chattanooga, Tennessee, where she was going to see about purchasing The Captain Cluck Cluck Chicken Franchise, which consists of 129 outlets throughout the South.

Winfrey was asked to go through the X-ray scanner. She replied that she did not want any X-ray sh*t getting on her body. She was then instructed to get out of line and head over to what the security agent referred to as "Pat Down" Central.

Miss O was then told that she would be submitting herself to having her groin region physically checked to make sure that she was not carrying anything that could be considered to be illegal such as a shampoo bottle, a bottle of mouthwash, or a bomb arming device.

The security inspector, who identified herself as Lulu Belle Mooncottage, 42, was asked by Ms. Winfrey if she had brought her lunch. Mooncottage replied that she did not understand the question.

Winfrey then told her that she hopes that she brought her lunch because it is going to be a long, long time before she (Winfrey) allows her (Mooncottage) to reach into her size 18 Wal-Mart panties and grope around like she's looking for a nickel or something else she may have misplaced.

Inspector Mooncottage told Winfrey that this was an airport and not a comedy club and to show some respect or she would have to call in the security dog handler and have the dog do some big time sniffing on her crotch region.

Winfrey told her that she hopes that the dog has just eaten because it will be a cold day in the Kalahari Desert before she allows a dog anywhere near her private parts (muffin).

Mooncottage called over her supervisor identified as Turkington Futterseed, 49. He advised Ms. Winfrey that she would comply with the TSA established pat down rules and regulations or else she would risk being hit with a hefty fine for delaying her flight and possibly even being arrested.

Winfrey yelled out at the top of her lungs for all to hear, "Nobody gonna be touchin' dis sista's hooha!"

Futterseed called the airport director Emerson F. Sockpaddle. He arrived within two minutes and he was immediately made aware of the situation. "Well hello Oprah," he remarked.

"Say sucka, I duz not knows you, so doncha be talkin' ta me like ya be one of my long lost cuzzins or somethin' ya hear?"

Sockpaddle told Ms. Winfrey that she needed to settle down and stop acting like a damn diva. Winfrey told him that he could not talk to her like that.

He then told her to look around. "What?" came the reply.

"I want you to look around Ms. Winfrey. You are at O'Hare Airport. You are not on stage at the Oprah Winfrey Show, so you will do as I say, or you will suffer the consequences."

Winfrey replied that she was not at all scared by his gestapo like remarks.

"Whacha gonna do? Tase me?" she asked sarcastically?

Sockpaddle reached in his coat pocket and took out a taser gun.

"Dat's a toy. Dat ain't no real taser gun. I've seen taser guns and dey ain't blue, dey be black like me, so get da eff outta da way so dat I can go and gets on my plane you hillbilly fool."

Psssssssssst.

SIDENOTE: Oprah Winfrey was picked up off the floor and taken into custody. She was later released and put on a Greyhound bus bound for Chattanooga.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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